Journal entry by Ann — Aug 12, 2018
I really never realized how much death is in movies, television, and music. I’m sure as a child you grow up with this and just get used to it, desensitized by the cruelty of death.

Last night I watched a movie that I’ve seen several times before and now can relate more than ever. In the movie a 17 year old child dies and watching the Mother’s response cuts me to my very core. As she weeps I am weeping with her. Her excellent acting skills pull you in like she is really experiencing this traumatic death. It’s all too real and fresh from the human response, the funeral preparations, to living after the death, and trying to cope when your heart is shattered. A lady on this shows says to the devastated mother at the funeral, “It’s time to move on and be strong.” I was surprised at the anger that rose up in me. I wanted to jump through that T.V. and choke her. Remember there is no time frame on grief. Whether it’s one week after or years. It’s affects you forever.

The hurtful things people say stay with you. I had to dish out a whole lot of grace at the insensitive things people said. I just kept telling myself they don’t know what to say, they are just trying to help, and they just don’t get it. They have not experienced this kind of trauma. I was one of those people who didn’t get it and I’m sure I said some insensitive things because I didn’t get it while wounding their already broken and shattered hearts.

So I am saying EVERY single thing in this world gets viewed differently through grieving eyes. this is normal for those on this grief journey they wish they didn’t have to walk. If you hear of someone who is grieving treat them with extra Love, compassion, understanding, and sensitivity. All things in their life are different. They will never be the same and may not be able to do and be what they were before. Be patient with them. They may not like the new them either. There are triggers everywhere from sounds to smells. Every day, every moment, and thought is different.
In looking at the big picture eternal life with my Heavenly Father is more important than anything. We are only here for a time and it’s short. Be thoughtful of your words they can wound deeply. But most importantly love those around you.

Hugs and love, Ann

 

Journal entry by Ann — Aug 8, 2018
Another concert without my Logie. I raise my guard up and put on my happy face so all will think I am great. My brain thinks that way they can enjoy this day. No worry that mom is sad. No wondering if they can laugh and have fun. Just silent permission to enjoy their time at this event. BUT who am I fooling? They are just as sad as me, Just as heavy hearted, and longing to have him back in our days and at all events.

I saw a mom snuggling her son about Logan’s age and walking hand in hand. They were laughing and enjoying each others company. Shhhhhh… but for just a moment I hated her. Why does she get her son? Why not me? Surely my Logie was worthy of being here too. Then I cried, repented for my mean thoughts, and was happy for her. Though I secretly scolded her in my head saying, “You better appreciate your son and love him with all you got!”

The concert ended with Casting Crowns. He prayed and put a call out for everyone to put their trust in Jesus. As I was listening to him pray I began to get dusty and I whispered over and over again, “Lord, I trust you.” I then repeatedly said, “God, I trust you with my son.” I began to say, Lord, I give you my son.” But as soon as I said that part I immediately took it back.
If I gave Logan over would I forget him?
Did that mean he would no longer be mine?
A fear rose up inside me, I wasn’t ready to say those words.
Was that a door I would be closing that I couldn’t reopen?
Did that mean I had moved on and didn’t miss him?
Would it take away my right to cry or have a broken heart?
I felt this wasn’t the time or place to deal with this. I was in the middle of hundreds of people so I shut it down. I pushed the emotions out of my brain, wiped the tears away, and shoved down the growing lump in my throat. I felt this was a private moment for just God and me to work through. Though now I am afraid to go there, but I trust God will bring it to the surface when His timing is right. All in His perfect time.

No matter where I am in this walk and all the emotions I may be experiencing I know God’s love never fails.
Lord, I trust you with my heart.
Lord, I trust you with my life.
Lord, I trust you with my family. Lord, I trust you with every single need that may arise.
And of course Lord, I trust you with my only son.
Lord, I TRUST YOU. No matter what!
Hugs and love to all, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Jul 20, 2018
“Homesick” by Mercy Me

You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I’m still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow

I’ve never been more homesick than now

Journal entry by Ann — May 31, 2018
Mornings start dusty when my dreams are filled with Logan all night.
Every dream he is in I am over joyed to see him. BUT then he doesn’t pay attention to me or answer me.
He just stands there.
These is no eye contact.
No hugs for me.
No movements towards me.
The loving, warm, and snuggly Logan I knew is not there, just empty.
The ever present smile that I longed to see is no where on his face.
The silly acts that I got to be involved in are absent.
I yell out to him and there is no answer. Then he just fades away and disappears. He leaves me standing there weeping. Only for me to wake up and find that tears are running down my face onto my already dampened pillow.
This is just another cruel reminder that he is gone and all those things that I loved about him will be no more. Just warm memories I grasp and cling to. It leaves vacancy in my heart that can’t be filled.
Love and hugs , Ann

Journal entry by Ann — May 28, 2018
My heart is heavy this week and the tears that are always just below the surface have shown themselves far to many times these last few days.

I know it is no surprise that I’m saying I miss Logan. But I am REALLY missing him. Everywhere I look there are reminders that he was here and now is not. There are not words to describe the weight of the loss of my son. The ache that never goes away. The longing to hold him that won’t be fulfilled. The pain pulls at all my emotions at once. This loss is devastating. How do I recover from this kind of heart breaks? I think the answer is I don’t recover. I just have to learn how to live without him. Which no part of me wants to do. A new normal I’ve heard it called. I accept God’s sovereign plan, but I don’t like this “new normal.” I wanted Logan here this weekend making us the perfect fires where we would cook out, talk, laugh, and just be together.
Oh, how deeply I miss him.

But then on the other side..

My heart overflows with thankfulness that I am a greatly loved daughter of a King. This thought alone allows my eyes to become dusty. My thoughts have been consumed by how much He has done for me. He picked me up out of the pit, cleansed my thoughts, heart, and life. He set my feet on a path of hope. When I thought no one wanted me and they surely could never love me, He did. Jesus does. He always has. I was just too hard hearted to see it. Don’t let this be you. My rebellious heart battled for too long against the only one who could save me. How foolish I had been to deny Him and turn my back on the Creator of all.

My prayer for those seeking and searching for something or someone to fill that void is that you just look up. Nothing here in our fallen world will fill that hole, ease that ache, or love you like Jesus can. Lean into Him, don’t turn away. Search no more you have as already been found.
Love and hugs, Ann

 

Journal entry by Ann — May 26, 2018
As I look in the mirror I can easily see I am not the same.
The fine lines that have formed on my face are they from the stress of grief or just signs of age. There is a sadness in my eyes that has become a permanent addition.
My feet that I was given to bring me places to serve others have become slow, clumsy, and unmotivated.
I hate the happy face I feel like I have to put on so others aren’t uncomfortable. I want to say, “I am sad if you can’t handle it no one is making you talk to me,” but that’s rude so I can’t utter those words.
My mind that used to be sharp and clear is foggy and unfocused. Paying attention is draining and this grief process is exhausting.
My lack of discipline and motivation is frustrating. It takes a huge amount of energy to get up and get moving. It feels great to get things done, but getting there takes so much effort.
As I said before I want my joy back. All I can do is pray. Only God can fulfill all those needs. So I plead with Him to lift me up, fill me up, and help me to live as He wants me to. I’ll pray the same for you.
Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — May 19, 2018
I heard another grieving mom say she wants her joy back. Oh, how that resonated with my heart. I thought I was the only one to feel that way so I didn’t want to say it out loud. My faith is not shaken that is the only constant that remains. Though my joy in this world and priorities have changed. My joy in Jesus and His promise of eternal life grounds my thoughts and heart, but the joys of this world are different. I have continuous pep talks with myself like…..

God created all this for you to enjoy.

He gave you the people in your life to love.

He also gives us opportunities to serve others.
God blessed us with relationships.

His creation shows us His creativity and His beauty is directly on display for us.

The list could go on forever of the things He put here for us to enjoy. I want my joy and passion for life back. I have heard people say it will come back over time. I know there is no time frame for anything having to do with grief, but my heart longs to know when. And like a child I want it now.
I have found that joy in Jesus didn’t change. If anything my faith has grown and deepened. In giving Him praise honor, and thankfulness I have that joy and there is peace and comfort in that. Lord, restore joy to the hearts of those who are broken.

Love and hugs Ann

Journal entry by Ann — May 13, 2018
I wake up today heavy missing my boy. This sting happens to my heart every day my eyes open. It is a new day, but the ache is the same .
As I wake my eyes are groggy with sleep. My body weighted with exhaustion. My brain cruelly reminds my heart that he had passed away and will not be returning. Now I must get up and put my smile upon my face. I’ve had a lifetime of practice smiling through the pain. Sadly I can say I am really good at it.

This morning I get out of bed to smiles, hugs, and the wishings of Happy Mother’s Day. This brings joy and sadness to my heart at the same time. As I exit the hall I peer at the spot at the table that he sat at every morning almost with a hope of him being there though I know he won’t be there again.
Logan Is in heaven with the ultimate parent. I must remain here to be the mom God has called me to be. I am here to love them, teach the Bible, be an example to, guide their hearts, and walk along side them through all of lives journeys.
I will ask God to help keep my mind and heart focused those things and more. Those are some of the jobs He has my heart longing to fulfill. Because of Him and His strength in me I can.
Please love each other and appreciate all that God has gifted your life with.
Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — May 8, 2018
So driving today I saw some men standing alongside the road picketing. I could not see all that their signs said, but the words “It’s not fair” caught my eye. My suck it up and deal with it kind of attitude that often slips out wanted to yell out the window life is not fair guys take what you can get and do the best job you can. Life is hard. We are not promised a life of ease. (I didn’t tell anything in case you’re wondering)

Then I thought, yes, they are right life is not fair. There are days I feel like a three year old wanting to throw a tantrum. I want to throw myself on the floor, kick my feet, pound my fist, and cry. In hopes that I would get my way.
I want to scream this isn’t fair I don’t want to have to learn to live without my son.
It’s not fair I had to bury a child.
It’s not fair we have to grieve his death.
It’s not fair I have to watch my girls struggle without him and my mama’s heart can’t take their pain away.
It’s not fair that my husband lost his buddy, namesake, and only son.
It’s not fair my baby boy passed away.
It’s not fair that I invested so much into his heart to make him a gentleman, loving husband, and a wonderful father someday.
It’s not fair we don’t get to watch him grow, mature, and see his faith flourish.
It’s not fair he doesn’t get to drive, graduate, and share these moments with his buddies.
It’s not fair I don’t get to help pick his wife, meet his babies, and see him work at a job he loved.
It’s not fair that we watch his friends move forward with out him and that they don’t get to share the joys of life with him.

None of this is fair. But I have to be careful not to go to far down this path. It only leads my heart to feel extremely heavy and my eyes to become uncontrollably dusty.

By the way Logan said I could pick his wife for him so that wouldn’t have been me meddling! Would there have been a girl good enough for my sweet boy?🤔 first criteria does she love Jesus, second does she love knives, and third would she have been happy living in the woods? He would have lovingly taught her how to make a campfire the proper way.

Yes, life is not fair, but there is comfort in knowing that no matter what my Heavenly Father loves me, cares for me, and will not leave me. Through the pain and blessings of life God is right beside me through it all. He had gifted me with the ability to accept the trials of this life with faith in knowing the difficult things that come along are for a greater purpose. One that I may not be able to see, but I trust it’s part of a better and bigger plan than I get to know right now.
Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — May 3, 2018
In my grief share group some very interesting words were said on the video. The man was talking of loss and said, “I have not lost my loved one because “lost” infers that I don’t know where someone is or that they can’t be found.” Then He went on to say since he knew where his loved one was they were not lost. So this got me thinking. Since Logan technically is not lost where would I say he is?

Passed away…. Passed away to what?
Gone…. Gone where?
At rest….At rest from what?
He lost his life…. What does that mean?
Not with us anymore…. Where did they go?
We lost him…. So can he be found and where?

There are so many phases that people use and it is all to avoid the discomfort of saying the person died. I do it too, it seems to take the sting out of the words just a bit. Just like I call the cemetery “Logan’s place” it just doesn’t hurt as much as saying his grave. I’m not in denial it’s just easier to say.

Since I got to peer into the window of Logan’s heart I know that he is not lost. We taught and invested into his life. Though his choosing Jesus to be his Savior was all about his relationship with God, not just because of our teachings. I fully believe that Logan is in heaven. So he is not lost, he is in the arms of his Savior. I have not lost him and because of my relationship and love for the Lord I will be reunited with him someday. Though my wanting to go to heaven has to do with seeing God face to face. The thought of being with my heavenly Father overwhelms my heart with joy and getting to see Logan is a bonus.🤗

So what phrase will I say……..I guess I’ll just stick with my son passed away. It’s easier and everyone knows what that means. No explanation is necessary.
Sending goodnight hugs, Ann