not fair

Journal entry by Ann — May 8, 2018
So driving today I saw some men standing alongside the road picketing. I could not see all that their signs said, but the words “It’s not fair” caught my eye. My suck it up and deal with it kind of attitude that often slips out wanted to yell out the window life is not fair guys take what you can get and do the best job you can. Life is hard. We are not promised a life of ease. (I didn’t tell anything in case you’re wondering)

Then I thought, yes, they are right life is not fair. There are days I feel like a three year old wanting to throw a tantrum. I want to throw myself on the floor, kick my feet, pound my fist, and cry. In hopes that I would get my way.
I want to scream this isn’t fair I don’t want to have to learn to live without my son.
It’s not fair I had to bury a child.
It’s not fair we have to grieve his death.
It’s not fair I have to watch my girls struggle without him and my mama’s heart can’t take their pain away.
It’s not fair that my husband lost his buddy, namesake, and only son.
It’s not fair my baby boy passed away.
It’s not fair that I invested so much into his heart to make him a gentleman, loving husband, and a wonderful father someday.
It’s not fair we don’t get to watch him grow, mature, and see his faith flourish.
It’s not fair he doesn’t get to drive, graduate, and share these moments with his buddies.
It’s not fair I don’t get to help pick his wife, meet his babies, and see him work at a job he loved.
It’s not fair that we watch his friends move forward with out him and that they don’t get to share the joys of life with him.

None of this is fair. But I have to be careful not to go to far down this path. It only leads my heart to feel extremely heavy and my eyes to become uncontrollably dusty.

By the way Logan said I could pick his wife for him so that wouldn’t have been me meddling! Would there have been a girl good enough for my sweet boy?🤔 first criteria does she love Jesus, second does she love knives, and third would she have been happy living in the woods? He would have lovingly taught her how to make a campfire the proper way.

Yes, life is not fair, but there is comfort in knowing that no matter what my Heavenly Father loves me, cares for me, and will not leave me. Through the pain and blessings of life God is right beside me through it all. He had gifted me with the ability to accept the trials of this life with faith in knowing the difficult things that come along are for a greater purpose. One that I may not be able to see, but I trust it’s part of a better and bigger plan than I get to know right now.
Love and hugs, Ann