Journal entry by Ann — Nov 3, 2018
A few weeks ago a family member we haven’t seen in awhile spoke words I haven’t heard in a long time. “How are you guys REALLY doing?” We both said, we’re fine. The normal response that I think most people would like to hear. They ask, but I think they can’t really bare the details or to look us in the eye. It’s too close to home. It’s too real. If it happened to our family it could happen to them also. That’s scary for others to think about.
Anyway, I was taken aback because she was really asking. She genuinely cared and she actually did want to know. Her thoughtfulness and sweet words soothed my ache. In that moment I didn’t feel alone, I felt understood. I felt wrapped in a warm embrace though we stood feet apart.
I’m so grateful for her and some of the brave few that continue to dive in and truly ask about our grief. They understand that this is ongoing and that we will forever be learning to live with out Logan. Grief may end for others because they have forgotten or have moved on. We can never “move on” we will be always longing for him and missing everything about him. Though I know we can move forward and lean into God. He is our strength. Logie is always in the forefront of our minds. And if you ask how we are doing our minds will immediately go to thinking of him and the pain that lays just below the surface. We have many other things that are hard, but none that we are experiencing will even touch the pain we feel with having to say good bye to out sweet boy way too soon.
There are not words to express how thankful we are to those who continue to walk beside us.

Much love and many hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Oct 27, 2018
Into Dust by Matt Brock
So many great songs too share…

It wasn’t meant to be this way
Broken beneath the grief and pain
There’s nothing left here

But into my dust, You poured Your grace
Lifted my head and spoke my name
You’ll see me through this

You are the maker of my heart
You are the healer of my scars
God, I will trust in who You are
You are good, You speak life
Into dust

God, You were here right from the start
Holding each piece that broke apart
And I’ll trust You through this

You are the maker of my heart
You are the healer of my scars
God, I will trust in who You are
You are good, You speak life
You are the Savior of the world
But carry the weight of all my hurt
You are the grace I don’t deserve
You are good, You speak life
Into dust

To dust you called my head to rise
With your breath in me, I an alive
I will trust in You
I will lift my hands to the skies and sing
All my hope in You, the King of Kings
I will trust in You

You are the maker of my heart
You are the healer of my scars
God, I will trust in who You are
You are good, You speak life
You are the Savior of the world
But carry the weight of all my hurt
You are the grace I don’t deserve
You are good, You speak life
Into dust
Into dust

Journal entry by Ann — Oct 26, 2018

This song is incredible and As always it’s much better
to listen to it…
Casting Crowns In the Hands of the Potter Lyrics

I still remember when I heard You call me by name
I’d follow You anywhere, knew I could trust You in anything
But now sorrow beats down on me, waiting for You to come through
I’m all alone with my questions, I’m dry and cracked open
And I thirst for You

And as I fall apart
Come flood this desert heart
Fall like the rain, Living Water
And I know Your way is best
Lord, help me find my rest
And I’ll be the clay
In the Hands of the Potter

My world is spinning, my life seems so out of control
Nailed scarred hands tell the story of love that will never let go of me
Through the sunshine or rain, I know where my hope is found
What You started in me, I know You will complete from the inside out

And as I fall apart
Come flood this desert heart
Fall like the rain, Living Water
And I know Your way is best
Lord, help me find my rest
And I’ll be the clay
In the Hands of the Potter

My world is breaking me, Your love is shaping me
And now the enemy is afraid of what You’re making me
When my world is breaking me, Your love is shaping me
And now the enemy is afraid of what You’re making me
My world is breaking me, Your love is shaping me
And now the enemy is afraid of what You’re making me

And as I fall apart
Come flood this desert heart
Fall like the rain, Living Water
And I know Your way is best
Lord, help me find my rest
And I’ll be the clay
In the Hands of the Potter
And I’ll be the clay
In the Hands of the Potter

Journal entry by Ann — Oct 24, 2018
As two of my daughters birthdays have come and gone there is a bit of a sting with the new ages that they have turned. It’s not just the fact that Logan is not here to share on their day that causes pain for all of us. It’s the agony of him being absent for all special occasions. But I know this one is extremely difficult right now for one of my girls. I think passing up her older brother in age is just another realization that he is gone, he wont age, and he isn’t coming back. Watching one of my daughters grieve this fact these past couple weeks causes an ache that can’t be described by this mama’s already broken heart. Please pray for my girls as they continue to grieve. There are so many unknowns in the days ahead of what will trigger sadness, pain, or hard days.

It also just stuck me that on my birthday today, I also passed up my older brother. He died from cancer just 9 months before Logan. Those are things that just shouldn’t be. It doesn’t seem right or fair for those that have to hurt with this kind of loss.

God knows our pain and He doesn’t leave us. We are precious gems to our Heavenly Father. I think He hurts when we hurt, after all He created is in His image. I like this promise in His Scriptures.
Psalm 56:8
You keep track of all my sorrows.[b]
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

Have a blessed day. Hugs and love, Ann

Journal entry by Ann— Oct 20, 2018
October holds three more birthdays in our house without Logie. I know this will be for the rest of our lives and I accept that fact even though I don’t like it. I don’t think people understand the depth of the loss we feel on these special days. For every holiday and birthday it was usually just the 8 of us with the day holding special times and events. Just being together, hanging outside, playing games, cooking special meals, and much laughter was something we all looked forward to. The loss is felt much heavier on these days.
Logan made these days extra special. He always wanted to be the first one to say happy Birthday. He would set his alarm to be able to accomplish this surprise and cook your favorite thing for breakfast. Gifts aren’t everything, but giving them was important to Logan. He would spend all the money he had saved to get you that special something. His excitement for birthdays and holidays was infectious. He was thoughtful about what he gave. Though if you got a gift from him I’m sure it was some kind of weapon. He thought everyone should have a knife and always carry it. He really didn’t understand why people didn’t want them. For him attaching several kinds of weapons to his body was like you and me putting on pants. All just part of getting dressed in the morning.
My mother’s day gift the year before his accident was a purple knife, now it’s my favorite things to put in my pocket when I get ready for the day. It feels as though a piece of him is with me.
Enjoy your loved ones. Value the time you get with each of them. Time here is short appreciate all the people God placed in your life.

Hugs and Love, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Oct 15, 2018
Yesterday as we were deciding which vehicles to drive, who would go in what car, and where everyone had to be after church I was struck by the flippant choices we all make everyday. After we made a decision I went back to finish my hair and I could feel a rush of fear pass through my body. Frozen in fear I had to quickly sort through the many emotions flooding my brain. Was this the choice that would have some more of my family joining Logan in heaven? Would there be a vehicle that didn’t make it home? Tons of questions rapidly firing in my mind that ended with me pleading, Lord, you wouldn’t right, please don’t, please spare us another tragic loss.
I never used to think this way. I didn’t think so heavily about making choices in this fashion. It’s not that I didn’t and don’t think about consequences. There are always repercussions in every decision or choice we make, but I didn’t always think of the impact or the damage that could be done. I definitely didn’t think of the shattered pieces for those left behind to somehow pick up. Though you are too broken and paralyzed with pain to know where to begin.
Think of all the different choices we make every day without deep consideration of the ramifications. Will this be the last choice I make? Do we consider who or what will be affected by our decisions? Even in the simple choices we make like what car to drive, taking a bike ride, or which person will bring the garbage can to the end of the road. It seems like these shouldn’t be life altering decisions, but they could be, an accident can happen anytime or anywhere. None of us is saved from these traumas or the pain of this world.
In no way am I saying to live in fear, but if you have lost some one with no warning these are normal feelings and emotions to work through. I believe in God’s sovereignty. I also believe my life and all that happens in it is all planned out by the Creator, Himself. I accept this path, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy, that it won’t hurt, or have life altering choices.
Be thoughtful of others. Think through your decisions with care. The trickle down affect takes place in every choice we make. It may not hurt everyone but it will affect someone else.
Hugs and love, Ann

Journal entry by Ann— Sep 22, 2018
We just got back from a four day “vacation”. It is fun to get away with Scott and the girls, but hard too. I hope every moment won’t always have such a sad undertone. There is always a heaviness that tags along in all we do. I could definitely feel this weight that my girls and Scott were carrying too. To bring it up or not to bring it up, is always the question. I didn’t want to say anything if they weren’t thinking about Logan’s absence so as I debated this, it didn’t take long until one girl began to cry and another brought up his not being there. It solidified in my mind that it always needs to be talked about and my job is to help ease their pain if possible.
Our days were filled with distracting, but fun things. We went to the Mall of America, out to eat, went swimming, got our nails done, and shopped at many different stores. We were blessed to be able to do all those things, but they were without Logan and that pain is always present.
In just a few months it will be 2 years since he was taken home and I’m still left wondering when it will get easier. The ache of this mama’s heart is too heavy to carry. I miss my sweet boy in every song. I miss him in all the adventures we took and now on the new ones we will take. We are now a man down and left an uneven number. I miss his voice in the many conversations we will never again get to have. I miss Logan’s kind and thoughtful nature. Oh, how I miss his hugs. I even miss his weird cheek kisses. I miss him EVERY single moment of EVERY single day.
Snuggle your people and appreciate all the time you get to spend together whether it’s at home or away. You never know that in the blink of an eye it all could change and you will be left longing for more time. Hugs and love, Ann

We found a nail place worth visiting if you are ever near Apple Valley. I can not say enough wonderful things about it. The people were joyful. The atmosphere was relaxing and the store was beautiful. Christian music was playing, scriptures were on the walls, and we talked about God as my nails were being done. Here’s the address and website. Make the trip and pay them a visit.😁
Beyond Nails
7540 149th St. N.W. Apple Valley, MN 55124
http://www.beyondnailsapplevalley.com

Journal entry by Ann — Sep 12, 2018
Little boy, little boy, can you come out to play?

I can’t, I can’t, in this bed I am meant to stay.

My mom wishes I could run, she wants me to rise,

But her heart is heavy, for she’s been told otherwise.

I lay and I wait in this cold, sterile room.

Mom says not to worry, I’ll be leaving soon.

She says it’s okay to go, I don’t have to be strong,

As my body gives out I can hear her song-

A tune of praise to my Father above

A melody of sorrow but filled with love.

One last kiss, then the final snuggle.

In my absence, God, you know she’ll struggle.

Lord I ask you now to ease her heart

For it won’t be long that we are apart.

You know I fought the fight and ran the race

Oh what joy it will be to see Your holy face.

The beat of my heart slows and begins to fade,

The tears on my family’s face begin to cascade.

My life on earth has now come to cease,

Now, I enter into heaven-to everlasting peace

On fallen knee you lift my chin

I am cleansed and pure-free from sin.

You embrace your child and help me to stand

You guide me home with Your gentle hand.

In my ear you whisper it is done.

I hear God say, “Well done, my good and faithful son”.

 

Journal entry by Ann — Sep 10, 2018
I’ve been thinking lately about the list your given when someone dies of all the symptoms you COULD experience. Remember everyone’s grief story is unique. In my house alone I have seen 7 different ways in which everyone is dealing with this great loss.
I think shock, denial, and disbelief were my first ones. Was this sheriff really calling me? Did he say what I thought I heard? Are we really here at the ER? Is this really happening? It can’t be my boy it must be a mistake! Surely we are here for some one else.
In those moments of thoughts rapidly firing you know it’s all true, but you just can’t wrap your mind around it. Your heart begs for it to be untrue. The shock is just too much to bare.

When the words of the accident were spoken, ours was a phone call, it feels as though your heart stops, time becomes frozen, and your lungs will not allow another burning breath to enter. It’s as if your body is paralyzed and can’t perform the normal tasks God has prepared it to do naturally. I remember saying out loud, “Calm down, Ann, just breathe God’s got you and He’s got this.”

I think a piece of that shock and disbelief remains today. Every morning I wake is like a punch in the gut. It’s not as if I’ve forgotten, but the realization that Logan is gone and it is another day with out him hits hard. My heart sinks and my body becomes to heavy to want to get up. I think that is the weight of my broken heart not wanting me to move. In that moment I send up a prayer of thanks for this day ask the Lord to help me serve Him with my whole heart. I then take a deep breath and force myself to get out of bed. I know in my own strength I know I can do nothing.

As for denial that is a harsh reality that no one can stay in. You want to pretend like it didn’t happen, but every where you look there are heart wrenching reminders of his absence. So denial is a place I didn’t visit. I immediately went to whatever you have for me God I will accept it. I know His plans are perfect and that they won’t always feel good, but because of His great love for me I accept His will to be done. Don’t get me wrong when I was alone I did request a different result. Through heavy tears I pleaded for my son to be healed and to walk out of that hospital. I prayed so hard I thought my heart would implode. There was no denial just hope. Hope that my God could change it if it was meant to be. I have a hope that is eternal. In one that I know my Savior already had prepared a place for my son. A comfort in knowing there’s a place for me too.
Wherever you are at in this grief process just know you are not alone and no two journeys are the same. Don’t let anyone tell you your doing it wrong. My hope is that God will cover you with His comfort, you will be wrapped in His arms, and enveloped in His blessings.
Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann— Sep 6, 2018
So many songs talk of strength, power, and coping skills. The thought of these songs is that I can rise above because of my abilities. No one can bring me down. I am stronger than other people or any situation. I start to sing these songs with such confidence and inner strength, but then I am hit with the truth I am weak and broken and nothing in me has ever been unstoppable. I feel like a delicate butterfly’s wing intact on the outside, but far too fragile to touch for fear that I would break beyond repair. I am unable to cope or focus. Is the new me always going to be overwhelmed by life, events, people, and emotions? Am I always going to be vulnerable, easy to cry, and unmotivated?

If you ask me how I am I will just say fine because there are no words for the pain that I feel. The ache this mama’s heart carries is too much to bare or to share. So just know every single time I am asked how I am doing my mind goes directly to the sorrow that I am enduring while I’m searching for joy. That I am broken, but trying to put on a happy face for you. My heart is shattered while I am trying to piece it back together. That there are days I am unable to be where others think I should be. And that sometimes I have to set aside my heavy heart so I have just enough to take care of the broken hearts of my husband and daughters.

I am not Unstoppable. I am not a Warrior. I am not Brave. I am not Unbreakable. I am not Alone.
BUT…
I am a Broken Vessel. I am Beloved. I am Different. I am a Child of God. I am Forgiven.

So really what does it come down to for me? Songs can encourage great strength, but they are someone else’s words not mine. Though I can relate they are not the author of my story. My inner help really comes from the Lord. I have no strength on my own. He is the Author of my life and all the journey’s I will be and am experiencing. He is any good that comes out of me. He is the rock on which I stand. He is the strength that I lack. He is unchangeable when I am weak. He lifts me up when I continuously stumble and fall. He is what’s inside me.

Though I know all this it doesn’t take away from the fact that I will forever grieve my son. I will always feel a twinge of sadness at joyful events. I will never stop missing Logan and aching to snuggle him. I will continue to struggle until I meet Jesus face to face only then I will be whole. I will shed all the pain of this world and be at rest in my Savior’s arms.
Oh, how I long for that day.
Much love and hugs, Ann