What’s inside

Journal entry by Ann— Sep 6, 2018
So many songs talk of strength, power, and coping skills. The thought of these songs is that I can rise above because of my abilities. No one can bring me down. I am stronger than other people or any situation. I start to sing these songs with such confidence and inner strength, but then I am hit with the truth I am weak and broken and nothing in me has ever been unstoppable. I feel like a delicate butterfly’s wing intact on the outside, but far too fragile to touch for fear that I would break beyond repair. I am unable to cope or focus. Is the new me always going to be overwhelmed by life, events, people, and emotions? Am I always going to be vulnerable, easy to cry, and unmotivated?

If you ask me how I am I will just say fine because there are no words for the pain that I feel. The ache this mama’s heart carries is too much to bare or to share. So just know every single time I am asked how I am doing my mind goes directly to the sorrow that I am enduring while I’m searching for joy. That I am broken, but trying to put on a happy face for you. My heart is shattered while I am trying to piece it back together. That there are days I am unable to be where others think I should be. And that sometimes I have to set aside my heavy heart so I have just enough to take care of the broken hearts of my husband and daughters.

I am not Unstoppable. I am not a Warrior. I am not Brave. I am not Unbreakable. I am not Alone.
BUT…
I am a Broken Vessel. I am Beloved. I am Different. I am a Child of God. I am Forgiven.

So really what does it come down to for me? Songs can encourage great strength, but they are someone else’s words not mine. Though I can relate they are not the author of my story. My inner help really comes from the Lord. I have no strength on my own. He is the Author of my life and all the journey’s I will be and am experiencing. He is any good that comes out of me. He is the rock on which I stand. He is the strength that I lack. He is unchangeable when I am weak. He lifts me up when I continuously stumble and fall. He is what’s inside me.

Though I know all this it doesn’t take away from the fact that I will forever grieve my son. I will always feel a twinge of sadness at joyful events. I will never stop missing Logan and aching to snuggle him. I will continue to struggle until I meet Jesus face to face only then I will be whole. I will shed all the pain of this world and be at rest in my Savior’s arms.
Oh, how I long for that day.
Much love and hugs, Ann