Journal entry by Ann — Sep 10, 2018
I’ve been thinking lately about the list your given when someone dies of all the symptoms you COULD experience. Remember everyone’s grief story is unique. In my house alone I have seen 7 different ways in which everyone is dealing with this great loss.
I think shock, denial, and disbelief were my first ones. Was this sheriff really calling me? Did he say what I thought I heard? Are we really here at the ER? Is this really happening? It can’t be my boy it must be a mistake! Surely we are here for some one else.
In those moments of thoughts rapidly firing you know it’s all true, but you just can’t wrap your mind around it. Your heart begs for it to be untrue. The shock is just too much to bare.
When the words of the accident were spoken, ours was a phone call, it feels as though your heart stops, time becomes frozen, and your lungs will not allow another burning breath to enter. It’s as if your body is paralyzed and can’t perform the normal tasks God has prepared it to do naturally. I remember saying out loud, “Calm down, Ann, just breathe God’s got you and He’s got this.”
I think a piece of that shock and disbelief remains today. Every morning I wake is like a punch in the gut. It’s not as if I’ve forgotten, but the realization that Logan is gone and it is another day with out him hits hard. My heart sinks and my body becomes to heavy to want to get up. I think that is the weight of my broken heart not wanting me to move. In that moment I send up a prayer of thanks for this day ask the Lord to help me serve Him with my whole heart. I then take a deep breath and force myself to get out of bed. I know in my own strength I know I can do nothing.
As for denial that is a harsh reality that no one can stay in. You want to pretend like it didn’t happen, but every where you look there are heart wrenching reminders of his absence. So denial is a place I didn’t visit. I immediately went to whatever you have for me God I will accept it. I know His plans are perfect and that they won’t always feel good, but because of His great love for me I accept His will to be done. Don’t get me wrong when I was alone I did request a different result. Through heavy tears I pleaded for my son to be healed and to walk out of that hospital. I prayed so hard I thought my heart would implode. There was no denial just hope. Hope that my God could change it if it was meant to be. I have a hope that is eternal. In one that I know my Savior already had prepared a place for my son. A comfort in knowing there’s a place for me too.
Wherever you are at in this grief process just know you are not alone and no two journeys are the same. Don’t let anyone tell you your doing it wrong. My hope is that God will cover you with His comfort, you will be wrapped in His arms, and enveloped in His blessings.
Love and hugs, Ann
Child loss and my journey 