Journal entry by Ann— May 2, 2018
At the sound of any sirens, fear grips my heart and I feel paralyzed. My mind scrambles to place where Scott and the girls are. Are they driving, home, safe, or is it them that the sirens are ringing for? Please, Lord, no is my immediate plea. With tears flooding my eyes while I make the calls. Relief when they are all safe, but then the heaviness remains for the families that will get the call saying there’s been an accident. I pray for them to be spared this grief.

In seeing an ambulance I immediately pray it is not for one of mine or someone I know. Then an knot rises quickly in my throat while I pray for who may be in there and the family and friends who may be forever altered for what they are about to experience.
The sight of a firetruck brings a sadness to my heart of what could be lost, but most importantly that the people make it out of the house safely. Praying this won’t be a traumatic experience for them.

The sight and sound of a helicopter can pull me apart rather quickly. Not only did I have two infants take this ride soon after birth, but this was Logan’s last ride in anything. While sitting in the ER waiting for him to arrive I heard the whipping of the blades and then they came to an abrupt stop. He’s here. My heart sunk. Could I bear to see him? I couldn’t wait to see him.
My mama’s heart heavy with what lay before us. My mind messing with my heart. You can’t do this. Yes, you can your stronger than you think. Me seeking to have God surround me and pleading with Him to spare my son. Though I knew the result would be different than I was longing for.

There are just some constant reminders that everywhere people are hurting. It makes it easy to see the pain and suffering surround us. They are also ways to remind us to be in prayer for others. Whether they are friends, strangers, or family God wants us to lift them up in prayer. Our thoughts of others should extend outside of our own house. Be thoughtful and love much. Love and Hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Apr 25, 2018
I know I have said before that I will never be the same, but it has become one of those harsh realizations that just keeps stabbing at a corner of my heart. It’s an unpleasant surprise you didn’t expect and no one told you about. As events and circumstances come into my life I am altered and different and I accept that. Though this kind of never being the same is forever different.

Each day is new. The sun will rise and set with no interruptions from me. The earth rotates on its axis, there is no pause in this plan because of my ache. Soon after a tragedy people go back to school, work, and their lives. For some the calls and texts fade. At some undetermined moment people think a good amount of time has passed so you must be over it and are better now. After all you are showing up to events and you can smile so it must be done.

My hope is that people can not go back to living normally or unaffected. My heart wants you to be changed by my son’s tragedy. I do not want you to be the same. I want you to learn something wonderful from this enormous loss I am experiencing. I know this sounds selfish, but it really is not. I want you to love Jesus like my Logie did. God brings people and circumstances into our lives and there is always a purpose in that. I do not believe in chance or coincidences. God is the Orchestrator and Creator of all our days and each moment in it. I want you to be affected. I want you to live like each day is a blessing. I want you to live like my son’s life mattered. I want you to treat others like they are a gift. I want you to value the relationships God has lovingly blessed your life with. Even the difficult relationships are in your life for a purpose, embrace those too. I want you to take something good out of this tragedy and apply it to your life. I want you to deeply love others, invest in their hearts, and above all else share the sacrifice of Jesus dying on the cross for each of us. Let my son’s short life alter yours.

Though He knows my heart and suffering nothing I do can change the plan God has set in motion. Which leaves me wondering……….
Where do I fit in? Where does God want me? Am I considering His will in what I do? What am I to do with this pain to serve others? I know He will lift me up to accomplish His will, But can I do it?

Lord, make us different, make us aware of your presence, and make clear to us the plans you have lovingly lain out for us. Hold us. Change us. Lift us up.
sending Snuggles and Love, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Apr 18, 2018
Will the missing ever stop? The harsh answer is no! The sting of death might ease. The shock may wear off. But the heaviness of my heart will not cease to exist. The longing for my boy will not fade.
He is gone and death is final here on earth, but I have to remind myself this is not the end. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I couldn’t wait to meet this new baby that would bring great joy to our lives. The ultra sound showed a boy and we were extremely excited. He did bring joy and he also brought a whole new dynamic to the house. Testosterone! Despite the constant ear infections, surgeries, and doctor appointments he was a happy baby. He brought joy, laughter, and much silliness to our house. When you mixed Laney with Logie you never knew what to expect, pure crazy with a side of chaos! Oh and a bad haircut from a sister!
Bre was the boss and always trying to get them to behave properly, but that could not be accomplished. She was always trying to take care of them.
A younger KaLee and Logie together was naughtiness. Like spraying pop on the wall, squeezing toothpaste on the counter, and stealing candy.
Ashy and Logie spent much on the trampoline where a wrestling match was sure to take place.
And of course Jaci waited to be entertained which he loved doing she owned him!
There was much laughter with all his sisters. He was a great brother. Too bad he never got to tell all you boys the secret girl codes. I think he had figured them out.😉
For years Logan has said he was ready to go to heaven and that he would beat me there. Not sure if God shared a little secret with him, but he was right. I have no doubt that once he was in the Saviors arms he no longer wanted to come back here and be with us. I can only imagine what he is experiencing, continual peace, fullness of love, heavenly comfort, and purest of joy.
This is not the end. There is a final resting place. For those who choose to live for Jesus eternal life awaits. No death, pain, sorrow, or tears. All that we have experienced here on earth will be forgiven if we ask. We will be made whole. All the hard that we have endured in this place will be wiped away. We will only experience the purest of joy with our Savior. Come Lord Jesus come.
Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Apr 7, 2018
This is just another great song. One that has kind of become a prayer of mine. As always listening is better than just reading the lyrics’!😉
In knowing that He could take it away is comfort. In wondering why he doesn’t that takes trust. In hopes that he will promotes faith. Either way help me to want The Healer, the Savior, and the Giver more than anything. Help me to want Jesus over everything.

 

I know if you wanted to you could wave your hand

Spare me this heartache and change your plan

And I know any second you could take my pain away

But even if you don’t I pray

Help me want the Healer more than the healing

Help me want the Savior more than the saving

Help me want the Giver more than the giving

Help me want you Jesus more than anything

You know more than anyone that my flesh is weak

And you know I’d give anything for a remedy

And I’ll ask a thousand more times to set me free today

Oh but even if you don’t I pray

Help me want the Healer more than the healing

Help me want the Savior more than the saving

Help me want the Giver more than the giving

Oh Help me want you Jesus more than anything

When I’m desperate and my hearts overcome

All that I need you’ve already done

When I’m desperate and my hearts overcome

All that I need you’ve already done

Oh Jesus Help me want you more than anything

Help me want the Healer more than the healing

Help me want the Savior more than the saving

Help me want the Giver more than the giving

Help me want you Jesus more than anything

Help me want you Jesus more than anything

Journal entry by Ann— Mar 18, 2018
There are not even words that would cover how grateful I am to all of you who continue to hang in there with us. I appreciate all the words of encouragement, notes, texts, and calls. I know life is busy so I value the sacrifice that is made by some to lovingly invest into my family. The love we have been shown is overwhelming, but in a good way.🤗
Thank you for those who come back to this site and continue to share in this journey with us. Then pour your heart out into words of love and encouragement. I treasure the kind words spoken by each of you. I also value the time taken to share your heart or some of your story.
Thank you for the prayers said over and for us. My heart is warmed at just thought of all the time taken to lift us up in prayer and speak to our Heavenly Father on or behalf.
I am feeling like I should close down this site so it is open to others still walking the path of their loved one still here. Their story needs to be told and updates given. Though I have been asked not to stop and to write more often. Then a few people told me to start a blog so I can keep sharing with others. Not sure what I will do yet. I may need much help with starting that blog if that’s the road I go down.🤔
Either way I am giving you all a heartfelt thank you. I can’t tell you how much the love given is appreciated. Hugs and love, Ann

Journal entry by Logan Rautio — Mar 17, 2018
I was oblivious to most of the pain, loneliness, and exhaustion that people are experiencing with traumatic loss. The toll grief takes on a person can be all consuming. It is like a secret, shameful club that you never wanted to belong to. And because some feel overwhelmed or pressured to be over it, people may carry some of that shame and not talk to others about it. I say talk about it, share your heart, and break that silence. Some of that pressure we put upon ourselves, but also being with others that don’t understand they think we should be over it and moved on. There is no shame is traumatic loss. There is no shame in the length of time you are struggling. Each person is different and so will their grief process be. The more it is shared the more people will be aware of how extremely difficult it is and how to better come with love, comfort, and to be better equipped to surround their brokenness. In our grief we can’t be afraid to upset, offend, or make someone uncomfortable. We are not trying to make others feel like that. Please remember we didn’t ask for our life to change in this traumatic way. Please have some grace and know we would love to go back to the days before the loss and the days before people didn’t know how to talk to us or be with us.
I think talking about it will help people to understand better. I know I was there. I was one of those people that didn’t quite get it. I did not comprehend how it affects EVERY single part of your life. It’s kind of like being in a constant fog. You can be in a group of friends and still feel alone. The amount of energy it takes to focus and pay attention is exhausting.
I have experienced death and loss, but I think there are different things to deal with in each loss. I think some huge factors are how much time you was spent in each other lives, how invested you were in each others hearts, and the type of relationship you had. I lost my grandpa a few years ago, but we were not in each others lives every day. Though loved him I didn’t know him very well. I also lost my brother just nine months before Logan died. It was an extremely difficult time watching him suffer and deteriorate from brain tumors. He was my brother and I loved him, but the loss for me doesn’t even touch the depth of grief I am experiencing with my sons passing. With traumatic loss comes traumatic grief. It is a long and difficult process. Not one to be rushed and NO ONE should be telling you that there is a right or wrong way to do it. Take your time and work through each stage as it comes and at your own pace.
I know some people probably question why I still write on this site because it is supposedly “over with.” Though he has passed away it will never be over with. I am quite sure there will never be a moment I won’t miss him. Writing is therapeutic for me and I share my heart on here in hopes of helping others walk through this difficult journey. I hope this can open the eyes of those who feel they can not understand. If you have not had to deal with traumatic grief I pray you never know what it takes to understand. Also I want to confirm for you that you are not alone and you are not crazy. All that you are experiencing in your grief is normal.
The best advice I can give is lean into God, pray a lot, and don’t alienate yourself from others. Let those brave friends who are willing to jump in and walk through this with you support you. Keep talking. Keep sharing. And never let anyone shame you for how you are feeling.
Much love, Ann

Journal entry Ann– Mar 10, 2018
I miss Logan. What a flimsy set of words. No words could describe the depth of how much I miss him and want him here. I bet if I were to yell it out loud it would only come back as an empty, hollow echo. No response, just silence.
There are days it feels like I am just trudging through the mud and wading in water that is way too deep. And getting up in the morning is work. Everything is exhausting. It takes a lot of mental energy to get going when you feel sad. There is a fog that sets in and focusing on anything is nearly impossible. I am tired all the time. The combination of minimal sleep and the work it takes to function wears a person down. There are days the tears won’t stop and days not even one can escape.
Right now, I can’t even look at his pictures spread through out our house it just hurts too much knowing I can not touch him, hear the sound of his voice, or listen to him speak what ever came into his mind. I miss his hugs most of all.
Then there are other days it’s a bit easier. Like today God woke me up saying, “My mercies are new every morning.” I believe that to be true and one of His promises. So I said, “Yes, God, they are and thank you.” Waking up in praise and thankfulness redirects my heart in a way that is needed daily. Sometimes MANY times a day.
Thank you, Lord for your unfailing love, ever present help, and great compassion.
Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann— Feb 27, 2018
Happy Heavenly Birthday Logan. Knowing that you are with Jesus warms my heart, but the heaviness of missing you also weighs it down. This is your second birthday with out us. I. can’t believe you’d be 15. Know you would be getting a drivers permit with hopes of a future in driving yourself to your buddies, movies, and of course DQ. Where you would probably be getting a chili cheese dog and a blizzard!
We miss you so much there are not words to even cover the depths of emotion and the loss we are experiencing.

Lord, dry the tears of our house. Please help to ease the aches our hearts are feeling and if at all possible lift the weight we bare as we walk through this pain. Cover us with your love and mercy. I know you will continue to wrap us in your arms of compassion and care. Lord, we need you every minute of every day. Please lessen our grief and mend our broken hearts.

Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Feb 16, 2018

Even When It Hurts by Hillsong United

Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in your love
Come like grace again

Even when my strength is lost
I’ll praise you
Even when I have no song
I’ll praise you
Even when it’s hard to find the words
Louder then I’ll sing your praise

I will only sing your praise

Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise you
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise you
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing your praise

I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise

And my heart burns only for you
You are all you are all I want
And my soul waits only for you
And I will sing till the morning has come

Lord my heart burns only for you
You are all you are all I want
And my soul waits only for you
And I will sing till the miracle comes

I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise

Even when the morning comes
I’ll praise you
Even when the fight is won
I’ll praise you
Even when my time on earth is done
Louder then I’ll sing your praise

I will only sing your praise

Journal entry by Ann — Feb 14, 2018
The more I learn about grief the more I realize that it is a life long process. It doesn’t go away. There is not an end date. There isn’t a moment you aren’t experiencing it.
My eyes have been opened to a whole new way to live. I was unaware that others were living in an ever present fog and everything they do is difficult. Going anywhere is draining even if it’s a place you enjoy. Sometimes emotions run high at just the thought of being around others. I have come to find out this is because you never know what’s going to affect you or when the tears will come. There is a slight panic in that. It can make you feel anxious even if you are not normally an anxious person.
So many thoughts run through your mind like Can I keep it together? Can I stop the tears WHEN they come? Can I look beyond myself? Can I pay attention? Can I find joy in this? Are others going to be uncomfortable? Will they just avoid me? What is going to trigger me? These thoughts and more are all running through your brain when you are with others or have to be somewhere.
There is not a moment I don’t think about Logan. I used to worry about making others uncomfortable with my sadness or tears, but I don’t anymore. I have come to realize I can’t stop the dust and as for some one else’s feelings I can’t change them.
I enjoy going to church, but even there it can be difficult to maintain. Things people say and do can make you break down and most of the time they are speaking with kindness and love. The Sunday school lesson, the church sermon, and songs can bring on the dust. Music has always been an important part of my life, but now it can break me down in second. Any songs that worship God’s goodness, bring forth Jesus sacrifice, talk of heaven, or mentions my utter dependence on Him can do me in. So I guess that means it all does! In being reminded of His great love for me I am overwhelmed with emotions of thankfulness. I know this sounds so strange, but it is true. Without God I can do nothing.
Continuing on without Logan feels almost unbearable, but I know Jesus has me. He will hold me up. He will help me do what I am supposed to. He will lead me and guide me. When I cant, I know He can.
💜Ann💜