Wish I didn’t know

Journal entry by Logan Rautio — Mar 17, 2018
I was oblivious to most of the pain, loneliness, and exhaustion that people are experiencing with traumatic loss. The toll grief takes on a person can be all consuming. It is like a secret, shameful club that you never wanted to belong to. And because some feel overwhelmed or pressured to be over it, people may carry some of that shame and not talk to others about it. I say talk about it, share your heart, and break that silence. Some of that pressure we put upon ourselves, but also being with others that don’t understand they think we should be over it and moved on. There is no shame is traumatic loss. There is no shame in the length of time you are struggling. Each person is different and so will their grief process be. The more it is shared the more people will be aware of how extremely difficult it is and how to better come with love, comfort, and to be better equipped to surround their brokenness. In our grief we can’t be afraid to upset, offend, or make someone uncomfortable. We are not trying to make others feel like that. Please remember we didn’t ask for our life to change in this traumatic way. Please have some grace and know we would love to go back to the days before the loss and the days before people didn’t know how to talk to us or be with us.
I think talking about it will help people to understand better. I know I was there. I was one of those people that didn’t quite get it. I did not comprehend how it affects EVERY single part of your life. It’s kind of like being in a constant fog. You can be in a group of friends and still feel alone. The amount of energy it takes to focus and pay attention is exhausting.
I have experienced death and loss, but I think there are different things to deal with in each loss. I think some huge factors are how much time you was spent in each other lives, how invested you were in each others hearts, and the type of relationship you had. I lost my grandpa a few years ago, but we were not in each others lives every day. Though loved him I didn’t know him very well. I also lost my brother just nine months before Logan died. It was an extremely difficult time watching him suffer and deteriorate from brain tumors. He was my brother and I loved him, but the loss for me doesn’t even touch the depth of grief I am experiencing with my sons passing. With traumatic loss comes traumatic grief. It is a long and difficult process. Not one to be rushed and NO ONE should be telling you that there is a right or wrong way to do it. Take your time and work through each stage as it comes and at your own pace.
I know some people probably question why I still write on this site because it is supposedly “over with.” Though he has passed away it will never be over with. I am quite sure there will never be a moment I won’t miss him. Writing is therapeutic for me and I share my heart on here in hopes of helping others walk through this difficult journey. I hope this can open the eyes of those who feel they can not understand. If you have not had to deal with traumatic grief I pray you never know what it takes to understand. Also I want to confirm for you that you are not alone and you are not crazy. All that you are experiencing in your grief is normal.
The best advice I can give is lean into God, pray a lot, and don’t alienate yourself from others. Let those brave friends who are willing to jump in and walk through this with you support you. Keep talking. Keep sharing. And never let anyone shame you for how you are feeling.
Much love, Ann