Journal entry by Ann — Feb 6, 2018
Looking at the scar on my neck has got me thinking about scar tissue. I know it still needs to heal and time might make it look better, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is ugly! I think I’ll Just consider it a battle wound of some kind.
We all have scars. Some are visible on our skin, but most are hidden just beneath the surface until our heart is shared. Sharing what God’s is doing in our lives can be encouraging to all who may cross our paths. God wants us to share our lives, suffering, and love to comfort and to come along side each other.
God allows joy and pain to enter into our lives. Sometimes some scars might seem too deep to be healed, but nothing is impossible for Him. The visible scars on our skin remind us of an event or circumstance that we may have experienced. Some kind of injury that made us stop and take notice of the pain. One in which we better learn a lesson from or it will most likely happen again.
But sometimes we are running through life full speed ahead when suffering or trauma smack us straight in the face and we are forced into a full blown stop. Those are the scars that never seem to fully heal. They are reminders engraved into our minds and imbedded on our hearts of the moment when everything changed. Though through many of my experiences I have been able to learn lessons, process them, and able to recover from. I’d usually come out a better person for having experienced that trial. For many years now I have been able to look back through my life and see so much of what God had allowed to build up my scar tissue and how it has been used for His glory. Most of which seems to be used in just loving people and having compassion on them especially when they are in pain.
Then there are the scars we don’t see on the inside where God can use our mistakes, pain, trials, weakness, and our determination. There is no one beyond God’s loving hand. Once we have given our lives over to Him nothing we can do can separate us from His open arms. Which made me think about the scripture
Isaiah 44:22
I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me for I have redeemed you.

He wants us . He loves us. He doesn’t need us, but oh how we need Him. I love this scripture too.
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

I like to think of His hand lain gently across my shoulders guiding me carefully on the rocky paths of this world. Through all my bad choices and sin He still loves me. When I ask His forgiveness it is immediate. The wounds and scars we will endure on this side of heaven will be bandaged up and snuggled away from our precious Father in heaven.
No scar we have is too deep for His love and forgiveness to penetrate.
Much love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Feb 3, 2018
As I reread the last post a thought came into my head. I am not alone. Even when no one is near me I’m never alone. The scriptures say never will I leave you never will I forsake you. I fully believe that. God is part of each and every moment I experience. And I would have it no other way.
If I am paying attention and focused on Him I am even more aware of His nearness. It’s easy to praise and thank Him when all seems to be going right. Though I wonder are my thoughts of what is “going right” the same as His? I can
only hope the path I am on is the same one God wrote special for me. If not I trust He will guide me back to exactly where He knows is the best place for me.
There have been many events in my life that have made me drop to my knees, but I know that I can go to my Heavenly Father and be comforted. I can have peace even in the midst of life’s most difficult times. There have been many of them and I’m sure there will be more to come. We are not promised a life of ease and in no way do I expect that. Though I never expected I’d lose a child, but NO matter what comes my way I know I’m not alone.
If I am not feeling God near it is I who has moved away. He is the same today and every day. I am His daughter whom He loves. He wants me close by. He wants my heart to be near to His. He wants to hear all that I desire, am thinking, and what’s in the depths of my heart. Though He always already knows He wants to have a relationship directly with me and have me talk to Him daily.
I am completely overwhelmed at just the thought of how much I am loved by God. To Him I am a precious gem something to be cherished. I am never alone.

Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness;

he will quiet you by his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing.

No greater love could be given to me.
Hugs and love, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Jan 26, 2018
Normally I am a person who likes my time alone. I have been that way since childhood. Most people like some time to themselves, BUT can’t wait to be near others again. As for me being alone in my own house has always been a good thing. Though it has only happened about 10 times in 19 years!
Please don’t get me wrong I find great value in my friendships, BUT time off by myself usually replenishes me. I have always liked the quiet of my own mind. No one talks to me and they don’t need anything from me. Most moms and some dads can relate to this. The needs range from diapers, naps, smooches, food, baths, dressing, refereeing, snuggles, play, and much talking (Either you or them). The needs of a family do not end. In the morning they just start all over again.
Can you hear the BUT coming? BUT now being alone with my own thoughts can be dangerous. I get excited when I think they are all leaving the house and I am brimming with all the possibilities of what can be accomplished. BUT then a nervousness runs through me with the fact that I will be alone. What if I’m not okay? What if I need someone? What if I get hurt and then they have to find me? The want ifs can keep going.
BUT the fear of being in my own thoughts can cause me to panic a bit. I know it sounds strange, BUT alone I have more time to think and less distractions of others.
In Those moments I miss my boy more. I want to talk to him. I want to hear his laugh. I want to watch his eyes light up talking about a weapon. I want to be near him. I want to hear his voice. I just want one of his great hugs. Alone I have too much time to think and there sorrow hits me like a brick wall.
BUT I’ve noticed having others near gives me some kind of security. A comfort of knowing that I’m not alone. A sort of distraction if you will. And if I cry they will get it. No words need to be spoken. We can just be. I find now I want to be around people more, BUT now always be expected to talk. Just the nearness calms my heart.
BUT now if I am alone I need to be extremely busy. Maybe doing the fun things like cleaning closets, dusting things you didn’t know collected dust, or organizing anything. Or maybe scrubbing cupboards, floors, and the walls that you have no idea how they got so dirty. I know those don’t sound super fun, BUT they allow the heart and mind to be distracted.
I am not saying grief doesn’t need to be dealt with, BUT I am saying there are times it’s okay to take a break. Alone time isn’t an enjoyment for me at this time, BUT maybe it can be in the future. Love and hugs Ann

Journal entry by Ann— Jan 21, 2018
As you all know this was the last day. I returned to the hospital and the day went on as the others had. It was my turn to stay the night so around 3:30 Scott took some girls home to rest. With in an hour I was calling Scott to come back.
A few of us were in Logan’s room and I could feel a heaviness in the air. Without knowing what was happening I said, “I think everyone needs to get out.” I felt them look at me and then they just walked out. I didn’t look up I just prayed. I called Scott and said you need to come back I don’t think Logan has much time left. All his vitals had dropped. The staff began giving him medicine to get his heart rate stable and his blood pressure back up. He was crashing. His body had enough. The nurse told me his body couldn’t take this for long. The medicines were only a bandage that would eventually not hold. Scott left immediately to drive back to us and my sister went to get the younger girls. I prayed for Logan to hold on until they could all say goodbye. When they arrived I noticed my youngest now had the flu. Poor thing was sitting on a couch across the room throwing up while her brother was dying. I felt horrible for her, but I thought maybe this was God’s way of sparing her from standing by the bed experiencing something she wasn’t going to be able to handle.
The room was peaceful. I know that seems odd, but it was. It must have been because Jesus was with us. We prayed, talked, and played a few songs. We even had a few laughs. This may seem strange and impossible, but when your telling Logan stories a smile will easily cross your lips. He brought laughter and fun to our house. Though he always was the police officer making sure everyone was doing or saying the right thing. I loved his mind and how it worked. He was an idea guy and told you all the ways you should do things even if you weren’t asking.
We all stood around his bed sharing in this painful moment. It wasn’t long until his body crashed again. I remember giving him one last hug and telling him you don’t have to be strong any more it’s okay to go home. Shortly after he passed away. It was 7:11 P.M. to be exact.
The girls all walked down the hall while Scott and I hugged. Then he said now we have to plan a funeral. I forgot about that part. How are you supposed to do all that when your heart is completely shattered. We went down the hall and hugged those who were waiting and told them he was gone.
We went back in the room I gently laid the sheet over Logan. I couldn’t bare to look at him, he already looked different. Then Scott and I began to pack up the room. We had so much packed in that tiny space. We talked with the staff, thanked them for all their care, and loaded the cars. It felt so strange to be driving home with out him. When We got home we unloaded everything and then just sat staring around the room. I think we were all in shock. It all seemed so unreal. We all went to bed, but I know rest didn’t come for me.
A piece of me was missing. The baby that I had birthed was gone. He didn’t get a chance to grow up, marry, or have babies if his own. He would have been a great husband and daddy. I always joked with him that he was going to have 19 girls and one boy! After all he was excellent with girls! He said as long as they all liked knives, being outside, and hunting they would be fine.
Though there was sadness and grief there was also relief that he was home. He would know pure joy, true peace, and the warmth of being in his Heavenly Fathers arms. No pain for him, his body and mind would be fully restored. Thank you Lord for sparing Logan a life confined to a bed while having no clarity of his mind.
I am quite sure Logan heard God say,
“Well done good and faithful servant.”

Journal entry by Ann— Jan 20, 2018
Day five. I waited for Scott and the girls to come back up to the hospital. Another day of the same. Sitting. Waiting. Visiting. Praying. Walking the halls. I still talked to him. I prayed over him. And I massaged his arms, legs, and feet. I still held out hope. I still had faith that God could move if it was His will.
The day before I remember pleading with God to spare my only son. I pointed out that if Logan was healed he would be an awesome testimony to how great our God is. (As if God needs my pointing out of anything) God quickly reminded me that he already was a testimony. God had moved in so many ways in Logan’s life that were easily seen.
Logan spoke God’s word so freely. He had no fear about sharing the Gospel. I often wondered if he prepared what he was going to say. Though I knew Logan’s heart and I’m sure he just said what ever came into his mind and spoke it. As long as it was truth it was coming out and he wasn’t going to stop it. I have always said his filter was broken.
Because of the news I had gotten the day before I began to pray that God would take Logan home. That it would be all Him and not anything we’d have to do like shutting off machines. We didn’t want to make that decision.
We went about our day with heavy hearts.
Later in the day we had a conference call with life source. One of the most difficult conversations one can have. The lady on the phone was kind and she was thoughtful of her words, but they stung. I had been at the hospital about 15 hours at that point and I didn’t want to discuss whether or not to donate my boys body. Though I knew the truth I just wanted to hold on to that hope a little longer. And the conversation with her made it all too real. We were going to have to say goodbye.
Shortly after I left for home with some girls. We snuggled in, talked, and went to bed. I was home now I could cry. You would think my tears would have been like a dried up well and that no more could be made, But that was not the case. They came readily when I allowed them too. Though there were times they leaked without my permission. My heart ached. My body felt weighted down. My mind never shut off. My heart ached for this to be a bad dream.
I longed for sleep, a deep sleep that would alleviate my mind from thinking about what was happening. A time of rest for my body and my mind. Oh how I wished I could get up and give my boy a snuggle and that he would be able to hug me back.

love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Jan 20, 2018
The days started to feel long and this was only the fourth day. How do people do this for months or even years. I couldn’t bare the thought of seeing Logan like that for as long as he may live. Getting up, showering, listening to worship music, crying, praying, and driving to the hospital became our routine. We had no idea how long this would be our new normal.
So many people came every day to truly bless us by all the love, support, gifts, food, and peoples time. The outpouring of love was completely overwhelming, but in a good way. By this point I am mentally and physically exhausted. And to top it off our foster niece had the flu. Just what we all needed was to be throwing up. Someone who loves me very much kept her at her own home and lovingly took care of my niece. I guess a true friend puts themselves and their family in harms way to help and protect you!!!
Later in the day I noticed that the ER trauma doctor didn’t come back up to Logan’s room. At the time I didn’t think much of it, he must be busy.
The doctors ordered tests to be done to check Logan’s brain activity and check his reflexes. Still more waiting. It was another long day and once again later in the day Scott went home to rest and spend some time with the girls.
No one stayed with me this night. I wanted to be alone with Logan. I wanted to be near him, talking to him, praying over him, and to just have quiet in my own mind. Though after Scott left for the evening I had a meeting with the neurologist and his news was devastating. I saw the scan of Logan’s brain and there was no activity. What should have been a really light greyish coloring was black. I saw Monday’s MRI next to Thursday’s scan and they looked nothing alike. His brain was shutting down it was dying. I was told if he ever woke he would not no what was going on around him and if he did he would probably be afraid. He would never walk or be able to move from the neck down. And since his needs would be so great we wouldn’t be able to care for him at our house. He would never be able to breath on own which leads to infection. The doctor said he may only have a couple years before he would die from infection or pneumonia. The harsh words just kept coming I had to stop the doctor and say, “BUT I still have hope I believe that if it was His plan my God could heal Logan. If it was His will Logan could be whole again and get up out of that bed and be fully restored.” The doctors response to me was, “If your God was going to do that He would have done it by now.” I thought you don’t know my God. As answer rose up inside I started formulating all these arguments about how great and powerful He is and searching my brain for scriptures. Then just as quickly I heard don’t argue with a fool. I calmed down and thanked him for all the info and his honesty in it.
I called Scott and shared they info. I was devastated how could all this really be happening to us. The shock was too much. Though by Tuesday I knew I wasn’t going to get to take my son home I still had hope.
There were visitors waiting to see me and go see Logan how was I to face them. I gave myself a pep talk. You are strong, you can do this, you have no emotions, suck it up Ann. All the confidence I mustered up left as soon as I looked at into the room and at their loving faces. I turned around went around the corner and fought my tears off. Once I regained myself I went in told what I had learned and just felt broken. How could this be?
Everyone left and it was just me. Then it struck me that the ER doctor didn’t come back to see us because he already knew what I had found out that day. Maybe he couldn’t bare to look at us either.
I tried to sleep, but that didn’t come. As I lay there a nurse gave me Logan’s tooth. I think it had fallen out because he was biting so hard on the tubes going down his throat that it bent outward and fell out. If you know me I hate teeth. If it’s loose I don’t want to wiggle it, know it’s loose, see it wiggle, or worst of all ever have to pull it out. But I remember her handing it to me and as I held it tightly in my hand I decided this is the most beautiful tooth that I have ever seen.
So strange the way our minds work.

love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Jan 18, 2018
This was the third day. I was glad to see the facial twitching had really calmed down. He looked more peaceful. The nurse that was there over night was so sweet. In one of my few moments of sleep she had washed Logan’s hair and combed it. The night before Laney had said he didn’t look like Logan because his hair was all messy. So that nurses thoughtfulness made my eyes extremely dusty.
The ER trauma doctor came to visit again looked over his chart while he chatted with us. I tried to read his face, but there was no glimpse of what he was thinking.
Logan’s doctors reports weren’t encouraging. As I had a conversation with one of them he seemed to be holding back. Probably because Laney was with me. I followed him into the hall and said give me your real thoughts. He said in his experience it didn’t look good for him to ever get better or even wake up. I valued his experience, but I still had a hope that I’m not sure he did.
Scott and the girls came back to the hospital in the morning. We spent the day there. It was a repeat of the day before with friends, hugging, encouragement, sorrow and exhaustion. I stayed until late afternoon and then took a few girls home. A couple girls went to church to be with the youth group. I thought they were so brave since tears were sure to be flowing.
Scott stayed that night at the hospital. We took turns “sleeping” in Logan’s hospital room. I’m not sure what was harder being at the hospital and seeing Logan laying so still since he was always on the move. Or being home where memories overwhelmed my heart and worst of all knowing he’s never going to be here again to create more.
We all went to bed and I actually slept.

Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Jan 18, 2018
As I awoke on this day the weight of what had happened settled in. Still Thinking it couldn’t be true I got out of bed to a house of silence. As I showered I wept with sobs that wracked my whole body. I pleaded with God to spare my son. I begged Him not to use this to draw me into Him. My head confirmed what my heart was feeling and I knew I wasn’t going to get to take Logan home and I had to accept it. I gave him over to God with sorrow, but also with peace knowing our Father was waiting with open arms for the son I so dearly loved. After all he was God’s not mine. Logan was on loan to me until it was time to go to his Heavenly home.
While I tried to get ready to go to the hospital I listened to worship music praising and thanking God for His love and goodness. This became my daily routine.
We all went down to the hospital. We hugged Scott, they saw Logan, and we met with the doctor who tried to explain what was happening in the softest way to my girls. He then left the room, we cried and hugged, and talked. My heart was devastated seeing my girls in so much pain. Knowing this mama couldn’t do anything except hug them and wipe their tears away. It wasn’t enough. I wanted to take it all on me and spare them this trauma.
We spent the day at the hospital together and hugging everyone that came to support us. It was so strange and never felt fully real. I felt like we must be here for someone else. We found ourselves comforting those that came even though they were there to love on us.
Scott went home late that evening and I stayed at the hospital. It was my turn to stand beside Logan praying and hoping for a different result. I could hardly bare the thought of my boy just laying there not being able to move or talk to me.
The first days the facial twitching was so much it was difficult to bring myself to look at his face. It made me feel like he was stressed and in unrest. We would find out later that the doctor thought it was his brain disconnecting because it was dying. I rubbed his legs and arms even though I was told he couldn’t feel it and wouldn’t even know. But I needed to touch him and I felt annoyed, how do they know what he might hear or feel. I talked and prayed in his ear. I played him worship music. I even rubbed his feet and if you know me I would never touch anyone’s foot willingly!
I welcomed people, prayed, hugged, but couldn’t cry. I would find I was only able to really let go when I was at home.
The ER trauma doctor came up to see how Logan was doing and chat with us. He was very kind and thoughtfully spoke. You could tell he had a way with words, but they were carefully chosen.
After midnight I laid down to rest, but only moments of sleep came. I watched the staff take care of him with such kindness. I would listen to them talk to him and explain what they were doing like he was well and might respond. They seemed to behave like this was normal. This was no normal that I wanted to be experiencing. I would then get caught up in the sound of his breathing. For just a moment it would sound as if he was making this happen on his own then the machine would make a sound and the breaths would sound forced. Then a heaviness would weigh on my heart that I had never felt before again and again I couldn’t bare it. I had to get up and go for a walk. Walking those halls became my normal.
Though I never gave up hope that God could change all this if it was His plan. After all He is bigger than all this and He would have only had to think him healed and it would have been done. I had full faith that my God could do this. It seemed He had a different plan than mine.

Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Jan 16, 2018
This day began as any other. We accomplished school and chores. Laney was working, Bre was getting ready for work, and I was going to Virginia for a visit. Scott and I were playing with Lacey in a mirror, laughing, and snuggling her. As I glanced at the clock now 3:28 I heard my phone ring. I answered it and thought the officer was asking for donations for the sheriffs department. I realized quickly that wasn’t the fact. Did he really say the words Logan and ATV accident? I said wait what happened? He repeated the words along with talk of a helicopter ride and my heart sank. I knew this was bad. I then asked, “Did Logan get up?” He said, “No.” I knew at that very moment he was never getting up. I think God immediately began preparing my heart for the days ahead and that Logan wouldn’t be coming home. I called my friend to ask what happened. Her voice broke and her words wouldn’t come. I told her, “It’s okay you don’t have to say anything I will call with details later.”
The visit was cancelled, Bre stayed home with the girls, and I called Laney at work to say Logan has had an accident and we are on our way to the hospital to find out details. I also said it’s all going to be okay though my heart knew different. After the phone calls, during the drive down, and while walking into the ER I just prayed. Lord, let this not be true, calm my heart, and give me strength. I just kept telling myself control your emotions, be strong, and you can do this. People came to support us and we were brought to a room to wait. A kind gesture of cookies and lemonade was brought to us. In that moment I felt angry like that could ease the pain flooding my heart. A doctor friend went back to Logan’s room to see if she could bring us any news. When she came back her eyes could barely meet ours. It was just more confirmation. It was a place where my heart and head were met with grief. I stood across from her seeing her mouth moving, but not hearing any of her words. Soon after we were able to go back into the ER to see him. My feet were heavy as we walked around the desk. Could this be real? I couldn’t really be here to see MY son. As I entered the room I looked around and none of the staff would look at me. I thought they have no hope for him. I saw his stuff piled on a table. I walked up to his bed and as I looked into his eyes I could see they were different. They were still that same beautiful blue, but they were empty. That spark he had was gone. We left his side and talked to the doctor. With all his experience the trauma surgeon gave us the hard truth. He didn’t think Logan would make it. I wasn’t going to hear what he said I trusted his experience, but I knew my God could change it if it was His will and all that they said wouldn’t matter. We left the room, waited for the MRI to be done, and waited til he was settled in his room upstairs. We waited upstairs in the family room with our loved ones, prayed, and a song was sang. I wanted to cry, but I just couldn’t. After a long evening I went home to be with my girls and try to explain. I gave minimal details because we were going to all meet together the next day with the doctor. I went to bed, but sleep didn’t come. Scott stayed at the hospital with a friend. And I’m sure rest didn’t fall on his eyes either. This was a shocking day and our hearts were heavy. It still all seemed unreal. We knew the God of comfort would lift us up. We knew He had a plan. We hoped His plan was the same as ours, but either way we knew He had us.

Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Jan 12, 2018
Isaiah 43:1b-3
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

This is one of my favorite verses. First of all that I am His gives me the greatest comfort. I long to be no where else than in my Heavenly Fathers arms. I have held on tightly to this verse this last year.
Second no matter what I am going through the waters, rivers, or fire He will be with me. I will not endure any of it alone. He will protect me and allow into my life only what is needed to refine my heart to be more like His.
Every person’s story is different. And only God knows how it will play out. He reveals things to us when He has made us ready and helps us walk through all things. What ever you are experiencing is not easier or harder to deal with than someone else’s. What is happening in your life is chosen just for you. People can have similar events happen but no two people deal with it the same or have exactly the same experience.
I only hope I will learn quickly what the lesson is and how to use it to bless others. Life is hard and God gave us people in our lives to be a support system. Reach out, love each other, and help the hurting. H

Love and hugs, Ann