Journal entry by Ann— Jan 10, 2018
The Christmas season is over. The new year has begun. We made it through with many tears and heavy hearts. Now it’s January and most think we are in the clear and the difficult days have passed. But I think next week is going to be more difficult than the holidays were. My heart is already weighted down for the dates that will come soon. As soon as it turned to January 1st I felt my emotions kick into high gear.
For the most part, during my life, I have been able to be in control of my emotions, but now that seems almost impossible. I don’t like it, but over the last year I have learned to accept the fact that tears can flood my eyes at any moment. For example. I was going to pick up pizza the other day and the tears freely flowed when I passed the road I always took to take Logan too wrestling. The strange thing about that is you start to cry don’t know why then have to try to figure it out.
I think in the days and years to come it will be more difficult than this last year. Memories of all the things we used to do with him brings warm thoughts, but also sad tears because we won’t get to have him with us again. Then there’s all the new things we will do or new experience we will have and he is missing. It breaks my heart.
I still think he is going to show up and just be sitting in his spot at the table. Where he was always searching on his Kindle for some kind of new weapon or pretending to do school. And I am still surprised when he is not in his seat in the van when we go somewhere. I have almost called his name down the hall to come eat. In those moments the heartbreak of his absence weighs so heavy. How does a person learn to live without their child. We were so blessed to have 13 almost 14 years with him. I know not everyone gets that time, but he was so intertwined in all the moments of our days. There is no way to just stop missing him. In knowing God has him gives comfort, but does not take away the broken heart.
Please pray for an easement of the hole we all feel do deeply. A focusing of our minds on God’s truths. The soothing of his friends hearts who are missing him so much. The family where he had the accident whom we love just like family. We are so blessed to know them so deeply, but they are in great pain too. To help us find peace and comfort in all the moments he is missing. Much love, Ann

 

Journal entry by Ann — Jan 10, 2018
Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.”
Colossians 2:7 NLT

Normally I am a NIV translation kind of girl, but I found this scripture in the NLT version and loved it. It made me think about what kind of foundation my is life built upon? I want my roots to run so deep that nothing or no one can uproot me. Many experiences in my life have uprooted me, but that was before my acceptance of Jesus. That was also before my mind realized my longing and total reliance on Him was all I needed. When Your head accepts the real truth and your heart will follow. Once they connect even the most difficult things pass through the scriptures and promises of God. I hold tightly to the fact that He will always be there for me, He will not leave me, and His love is not comparable to any other love I will ever experience.
That last part of the scripture that talks of overflowing with thankfulness that doesn’t come easy until you realize what you have to be thankful for. If I made a list of things to be thankful for there wouldn’t be enough room. I am of course grateful for the normal things like a house, clothes, food, overall health, family , friends, and cars to drive. But I seem to find more joy in the simple things like children’s laughter, kindness of strangers, beauty of His creation, the taste of a good chocolate, snowflakes, worship music, and I am in awe of His creativity in nature and people.
If I keep my mind and heart connected to God the plans He has for me cannot fail. My love and compassion for others should overflow easily. Grace should flow freely. Selflessness and serving others should be of great importance to my heart. Above all things I should long to put Him first and be honoring and glorifying Him in all I do. I am only able to do these things because of His great love and abundance of grace. Thank you, Lord.
Hugs and love, Ann

Journal entry by  — Dec 29, 2017
The real reason we celebrate Christmas is all about Jesus. It’s not the presents, decorations, food, or even getting together with family. Though, those things are fun and it’s nice to snuggle in with those you love to share in the special season. It’s really about the birth of our Savior. Without God sending His Son to earth born as a baby we would have no way to eternal life with our Heavenly Father. The scriptures say, “I am the way, the truth, and the life no one knew comes to the Father except through Me.” Jesus had to be born, die, be buried, and rise again. That was His plan to save us who choose Him. Because of His great sacrifice on the cross we can be forgiven and have a relationship directly with God.
In no way does my own son compare to the Lord Himself, but I feel a small piece of Logan going home early was a sacrifice for us. We got to have him for only 13 years, we couldn’t help but love him, he shared Jesus w others, and then was gone. In that God knew exactly what He was doing. Because of Logan’s love for God others came to Christ. I believe people’s lives were changed for the better because he was here. If any changes trickled into your homes and lives don’t let his passing be in vain. Let those changes be a permanent reminder tattooed on your heart. A reminder that what we do here matters. If we are seeking the Lords direction the plan can not fail. No matter how old you are God can and will use you. People are brought into our lives for a reason. Just love them and let God work through you to invest into their lives and capture their hearts. Every interaction means something.
We are forever changed. Logan’s absence is felt every day all day. I won’t let what God did through him be for nothing. I will tell his story in hopes of someone’s life being altered in such a way that they can only look to God for answers, strength, and that their hearts would haves such a longing for God that they realize they can’t live without Him.
Be open to God using you to love on people and bless them. Don’t miss those opportunities because you are too busy. A few moments of your time can make a difference in someone’s day or life. I guess it all comes down to loving others as God has loved you. Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Dec 27, 2017
This song is so great. I wanted to share it with you weeks ago, but I kept getting sidetracked.
I love the chorus it strengthens and soothes me.
“my focus, my anchor, the anthem of my soul”
What a great comfort to know I need nothing else. He will meet my every need. Not always what I want, but always exactly what I need. I have nothing to give Him except my praise and my heart. But His grace, mercy, and love are poured upon me daily. What more could I ask for. The longing of my heart is to glorify Him. All that I have and all that I am is because of His great love. I am undivided. The words are great, but listening to it is always better. Ann
“Undivided” by Hannah Kerr More than just a melody

I offer all I have, all I have Nothing less than everything

Unto the great I am, the great I am You’re the Lord of the heavens

The earth, the sky, the sea Creator and sustainer

Of every breath in me I won’t stand here, before You

And lift my hands in vain When I worship, my heart won’t

Sing any other name You’re my focus, my anchor

The anthem of my soul I’m undivided

Oh, I’m undivided Words alone are not enough

To honour who You are, who You are May it be a song that overflows

And rises from this heart, this grateful heart You’re my Savior and Redeemer

I bow before Your throne And offer up these praises

To You and You alone I won’t stand here, before You

And lift my hands in vain When I worship, my heart won’t

Sing any other name You’re my focus, my anchor

The anthem of my soul I’m undivided

Oh, I’m undivided (Holy, Holy)

The anthem of my soul (God Almighty)

I’m undivided (You are my King)

I’ll sing for You and You alone Are on the throne

I won’t stand here, before You And lift my hands in vain

When I worship, my heart won’t Sing any other name

You’re my focus, my anchor The anthem of my soul

I’m undivided Oh, I’m undivided I’m undivided

Journal entry by Ann — Dec 24, 2017
Today as we prepared for Christmas there was an empty spot in every room, silly moment, laughter, chair, and of course my heart. I could see my family’s eyes a bit sad, but trying to be happy and put on a face. Though I told them to let out their feelings, it will help. Let the dusting begin!
I could also feel the heaviness of their hearts because mine has the same broken piece. A piece that won’t quite go back together properly. One that the best super glue in the world can’t fix. Picture a vase that falls to the floor and shatters. Even if you get all the pieces picked up and put back together it will never be the same. It may look okay on the outside, but inside it doesn’t work the same. It may not hold water or it may just simply fall apart. That is a peek into what my heart is dealing with. People expect you to be okay, but your not. To get over it, but you can’t. There will not be a day that I won’t miss my son. So getting over it , is not an option. I have had a harsh lesson in expectations. I can’t live up to anyone else’s. I can only try to live by what God expects from me. His expectations are clear there is no confusion as to how He wants me to live. All I have to do is read His Word, be in prayer, and continue to nurture a relationship with my Creator.
During the next couple weeks I will do the best I can do. Pouring love upon my husband and my five daughters is what’s important right now. Let us also reach out to others and extend some extra grace, love, and time.
Lord Jesus, please bless and comfort not only my family, but those who are hurting during this holiday season. Let them find some time of laughter, joy, and sweet moments too treasure. Help us to remember that you are there in every one of those moments.
Much love, hugs, and prayers sent to you all. Merry Christmas

Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Dec 22, 2017
Here I sit, but a part of me is not present. I am in a crowd, but on my own. Somehow I am lifted out of the noise, chaos, and chatter. Most days it feels like a fog is lain upon me. So my attention to the world around me is restricted and distracted. There are conversations all around me, but my focus is strained. All I know is it takes a lot of work to pay attention to the happenings near me. It takes a lot of energy to maintain my focus. Grief is a very difficult thing to understand and even harder to explain.
I was so far from being what people who were hurting after a loss needed me to be. Not because I did anything wrong, but because I just couldn’t comprehend what they were really going through. Now I get it, now I have a whole new perspective that I just didn’t see before. I can now love on others and show a deep, genuine compassion I didn’t before. Now I can see the pain and loss in a whole new way. One that I hope will be honoring to God.
There is NEVER a moment that I am not thinking about Logan. In my waking, dreams, conversations, chores, teachings, and in my hugs. It’s kind of like an invisible umbrella is over my head. One with constant reminders like raindrops collecting, rolling down, and flooding my mind then rushing over my heart.
The longing to hold my boy is always weighing heavy on my arms. They ache to wrap them around him and squeeze him tight. In my mind I would be hugging my little boy, but his arms would envelop me. Before his passing he towered over me. Growing into the body of a young man was my baby boy. One milestone that he was never able to fulfil.
One of the many sweet things I treasure about Logan was that he was never to big to snuggle and kiss his mama and daddy. It didn’t matter where we were. There was no embarrassment as to who could be watching. He didn’t care he loved us and new of our great love for him. In our family we snuggle, love, smooch, scratch backs, hold hands, and try to be observant to what each other needs. We find joy together in our laughter and with great compassion allow the tears to fall anytime they need to escape.
Something a sweet friend said to me got my mind thinking about us dedicating Logan and his life. At his birth he was not breathing and he needed to be resuscitated. I remember saying, “Lord, please don’t take him, but if you do help me accept that.” Little did I know that He would be taking Logan home early and God would be right by my side helping me to accept that plan. It was a plea that God knew was to take place thirteen years later. At his dedication we were committing him into the Lord’s hands as His child not ours. There we promised to teach, train, and honor God with his life. Oh, how I hope we have done that in obedience and in our love for God.
I fully accept all that God has planned for my life. Logan’s passing was no different. Obviously I want him here and miss him more than words can describe. But God lovingly guided me through the heart wrenching moments of fully giving Logan over to Him. After the accident an officer called and informed me of what had happened. It took a few minutes to sink in and when it did my heart was instantly heavy with the weight that he was never coming home. I immediately sought the Lord and asked for a different ending. Though I knew deep in my heart His answer was not the same as mine. This does not mean it was easy to give him over. This does not mean my heart is not still broken. It just means I accept God’s will for my life and for my family. I can not see ahead, but I know God can and has a greater purpose in mind for what happens here. This place is not my home and I long to be in my eternal home with my Heavenly Father. All I can say is “Come, Lord Jesus, come.”

love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Dec 20, 2017
Some prayer is needed. Monday night I was driving down a hill in Duluth and the roads were so icy I couldn’t stop. I had to make a quick decision to continue down into cars stopped at a stop sign or try to turn and hope I could make the road. I chose to turn, but I didn’t quite make it. I ran over a fire hydrant and completely took it off. I ended up in someone’s front yard, but God was good. I had two daughters with me and checked to see if they were fine. No physical injuries. God is good. We got out of the car hugged until people started coming out to see if we needed help. A very nice man even offered us hot chocolate or food. They were all very kind I figured they must see this alot throughout the winter months. God placed just the right people on that corner to comfort us. He is good.
We surveyed the damage, made the proper phone calls, and realized just how blessed we were. The car was as big as the yard we were parked in, but the it was placed just between a tree, wrought iron fence, and the house. The fence and house were about a foot away from the car on the front and side. We waited and snuggled. The whole process took about an hour and 15 minutes.
There are many thoughts that go through your head in the moments before impact. Racing through my head all at once were thoughts like…..I don’t want to hurt someone, behind the wall of that house could be a child I crash into, I don’t want to wreck Scott’s car, I heard a scream so my girls are scared, and Lord please don’t let ME kill my girls! And of course thoughts of Logan rushed through.
I am burdened at what this accident has lain upon my family. The panic that must have gone through those at home or work weighs heavy on my heart. I can hardly bare the thought at what three more missing from our house would have done to their already broken hearts. We continue to grieve a heavy loss how could anyone bare more! There are constant reminders that I am not in control. I have put my faith and trust in God who knows best and I will follow where ever He is leading me. Even if it is painful. I have found for me that good always comes out of hard. God is good.
The saying “life is precious” is used way too frivolously. It is precious and we take for granted that our time here with people we love is a given. Every breath we breathe is a gift and the time we get here should be used in ways that honor Him. Again I am reminded that all can change in a moments time. Often we should be letting those in our life know how valuable and loved they are. God is good.
Last night while I sat in shock, but safe snuggled on my couch and the girls were all tucked in bed I couldn’t help but think it could have been a whole different scenario. There was no ambulance ride, stay in the hospital, or the planning of my funeral or for the three of us. Yes God is good! We all need a reminder that everything happens for a reason. He sees the big picture, we don’t, so that’s where complete trust comes into play.
Please pray for my daughters hearts that they would not feel fear, have bad dreams, or that this would not allow them to doubt God’s goodness in any way. He allowed it, but He protected us. Let this be one of those things that we can work through with ease. Of course for Scott also. I’m sure you can all imagine what has gone through his mind and heart. Thank you. Hugs and Love, Ann

 

Journal entry by Ann— Dec 10, 2017
Many have asked so I’ll give an update….. Scott’s surgery went great he is a couple weeks in and is getting around really well. He just graduated from the walker to a cane on Friday. He is even being a good boy and doing his physical therapy. Scott is not a complainer so it’s hard to know how much pain he might really be having. So as of this year he has a new knee and a new shoulder so there has been plenty of pain and recovery. I’m sure he will be glad when all is back to normal, but minus the pain!
I am doing so much better too. The nerve pain from the herniated disc in my neck is completely gone. Though I do still have some pain on the back of my neck it doesn’t compare to the before pain. My throat does not hurt anymore and there is only a slight tenderness at the incision site. It will only keep getting better.
It’s amazing to me how our bodies break down, mostly because we abuse them, but can be built back up. Pretty much any part of our body can now be opened up, repaired, and put back together. The options of dissolving stitches, staples, and GLUE amaze me! I find the more things go wrong with my body and the more I learn about how it works I am even more in awe of its Creator. With the births of each of my babies, surgeries, and teaching health to my kids I am overwhelmed at the intricate design that God has so lovingly created. Each piece working together to make it all happen just the way He had planned. All He had to do was think it and it was created. Imagine the breath of God seeping in our entire being. I am amazed and in awe.
I am so thankful for all the prayers, support, food, cards, and love we have received. Once again the love of Jesus has shown up through so many of you. AND once again a simple “thank you” does not cover how grateful we are.
Blessings, hugs, and love sent from me to you.

Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Dec 5, 2017
So I have been preparing for this visit for a few months. I have been collecting treats to put in a basket and writing a card. A card that would speak just the right words that have been overflowing from my heart for the last 10 months. Are there even words that would cover such an event? I have been feeling the need to go up to the hospital and revisit the floor Logan spent the last days of his life. While Scott was in the hospital after his knee surgery I had two opportunities to go up to that floor, but wasn’t able to bring myself to take those steps.
So yesterday I built up the courage. I dropped Scott off for a meeting and drove down to the hospital. I parked the car, asked God for strength, and took many deep breaths. I grabbed the gift basket and began the walk to the floor where I spent the most difficult days of my life. I stepped onto the elevator and pressed the button for the eighth floor. As the doors opened I paused and took a deep breath. I could feel the Lord with me as I stepped out the door, walked down the hall, and turned the corner. As I rounded the corner and passed through the doors I experienced strangely familiar feelings. The heaviness I felt inside every time I entered those heavy doors was present. Though this time was different I wasn’t going to see my son, he wasn’t there. My steps were slow and awkward as I approached the nurses’ desk. A very sweet nurse who I recognized from caring for us and Logan approached me and asked how she could help me. I realized I had not prepared the words I wanted to say. My mind went blank and tears began to flow. All I could do was point to the basket. Finally the words came. By the time I was done she came around the desk and hugged me and we both stood there trying to hold back the tears that didn’t want to listen.
She allowed me to go into the Logan has spent his days in. It was different. The bed was changed around and some furniture was missing. All the food, flowers, and gifts people had brought were gone. It felt empty. The room looked clean, but it sure was dusty! Memories flooded my mind and engulfed my heart. Conversations with visitors and my private talks with Logan filled the room. The last words I said to him were, “It’s okay to go home, Logan, you don’t have to be strong anymore.” Those are words you don’t think you’ll have to say, but I did with comfort knowing his Heavenly Father was waiting with open arms to welcome him. Just the thought of that alone overwhelmed me with joy to my very core. Knowing Logan was going to be face to face with the God that loved him and the one true God that we had taught him so much about. Knowing that he would only experience pure joy and be spared from the pain of this world soothed my ache just a bit. I said goodbye again and left that room.
I then walked down the hall past the nurses station to the play room where we spent much time with loved ones. Just before I reached that room I saw a boy about 14 years old sitting in a chair looking sad. His head was down and he was staring at the knuckles of his hand that were recently opened and bleeding. I stopped and asked him if he was okay. He said he was fine. I said you look sad do you need anything? He said no as he pointed to the room his family member was in. His eyes were so sad looking I had to fight every ounce of my being to not grab him up and hug him. He probably thought I worked there and not that I was just some strange lady wanting to snuggle his sadness away.
I then turned the corner and once again pushed the heavy doors open hoping this was the last time I would ever have to enter them. I went to the elevator trying to stifle the tears that were welling up inside. The door opened and so did the flood gates. I could no longer control any emotion. I cried down every hall I walked and all the way out to my car. In the car I sobbed. I cried all the way home. I even had to pull over several times to get control of myself enough to continue to drive. I continued to cry on and off the rest of the evening. There was no way to clear the dust away.
The night Logan passed I didn’t cry at the hospital, on the drive, or when I got home. I think I hadn’t allowed myself to cry so I think this was the down pour of the emotion that I had controlled the evening of his passing. Things strike you in such strange ways that you never know what is going to happen until it does. There are triggers all around and sometimes they brings tears and other moments they warm my heart.
Grief is unique to each person and every situation. There are seven of us in our house and each one has different grief story.
Thank you Lord, for the story you have lovingly hand written special for each of us. Through each and every event in our lives you are there. You allow joy and pain, but never leave us alone in any circumstance. There is no greater love than the love we can receive from you if we choose to live our life for you. There are not words to express how thankful I am too be Your daughter, the daughter of a King, Creator of all.
Sending hugs and love, Ann

Journal entry by Ann— Nov 27, 2017
I’m so sorry I submitted that last entry before I was done. So here’s the rest! The last word of the sentence ending in perfect is where I left off.

He allows what comes into our lives as His perfect plan. For example people, events, blessings, places we go, losses, and difficult upbringings. He is a miracle worker not a wishing well. He always answers our prayers it just isn’t always the answer we want to receive. When God doesn’t intervene that’s when a strong faith comes in and we have to accept His sovereignty. Even if we don’t understand it, He has a purpose that we are not always able to see. So no matter where we are in our life He is there. No matter the circumstances He is there. And knowing that the Creator of everything never leaves me gives me great comfort. Because of Him I can do anything. He will lift me up even in the midst of the most difficult circumstances.
God’s blessing are all around us every day not just in November. To get your mind thinking I’ll share just a few of mine that are easily seen by my eyes.
General health in my home. Successful surgery’s. Basic needs met. My daughters laughter. Great friends that are more like family. Freedom of religion. A husband who is my best friend. Watching my daughters grow in their love for the Lord. A loving church family. Last but most important that God wants me as His daughter and has changed my whole life for the better. Your turn to make a list!
Just love each other and be open to showing compassion and care for others. Appreciate what you have and tell those in your life how much you care about them. Life can change in a moment and those you love could be taken away. A life of ease was never promised to us. There will be pain, suffering, and sorrow, but there will also be joy. Soak up those moments they help with the difficult ones. Love, Ann

On a side note…
Scott just got out of knee surgery and all is well he did great and is in recovery.