Journal entry by Ann — Sep 20, 2017
I looked up the definition of grief and this is what is said.
Deep sorrow, especially that is caused by someone’s death.
sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, distress, heartache, heartbreak,
agony, torment, affliction, suffering, woe, desolation, dejection, despair.
I did not really need to look it up since I feel all of them to some degree. Some of these are words I don’t think I fully comprehended before Logan’s accident. With all the things that I have been through in my life none compare to what I am experiencing now. My heart is broken and the ache my arms feel to hold him is overwhelming. Just to stand next to him would warm my heart. My thoughts about him are all consuming there isn’t a moment of the day that Logan is not on my mind. Sometimes I have to take a step back and think this moment is not about Logie. This has to do with something or someone else. I find myself inserting him into every conversation. Or thinking Logan would or wouldn’t have done that. Or the conversation reminds me of funny stories about him that I have to share. I hope my talking about him doesn’t make people uncomfortable, but I don’t want people to be afraid to say his name. EVEN if it brings tears I don’t want people just to stop talking about him. God created him, he was in my womb, he was born, he was here, and he is still my son.
I think all moms will understand that when I say all your minutes, hours, and days are perpetually thinking about your kids. For instance where are they, what are they doing, and are they doing what’s God honoring? Whether they are at your own house or someone else’s home their absence is felt they are constantly on your mind. Now triple or quadruple those thoughts and that is where my head is at. Then when your heart jumps in and the emotions are added your thoughts can consume you, making your moments of thoughts feel more like anguish.
My head and my heart are always in conflict. My head knows God is there for me and that He will never leave me. My head also knows God’s promises and truths. I hold fast to the Bible’s teachings. By God’s grace I am able to fully accept His will for me and my life. I fully accept that God taking Logan home is just part of that plan. Which is one that I can’t see into and while here on Earth I won’t get to know why. But a plan that I completely accept as God’s sovereign will.
My heart loves God and it can only imagine how much He loves me. I am so overwhelmed at all He has done for me. His sacrifice on the cross to purchase my heart is far beyond my understanding. On the other hand my heart is broken and longing for my boy to be in my home with me. My heart aches for my arms that long to hold and snuggle him. If I allowed my heart to take over and really feel the innermost parts, I wouldn’t be able to stand. I know that the Lord is holding me up and is more than willing to pick me up off the ground every single time I fall. I imagine Him saying, “Oh, my sweet child, give me your hand let’s try this again.” I picture Him gently wiping the dust off my clothes and lovingly placing His hand across my back all the while holding my hand and ever so carefully helping me to my weary feet to be able move forward to begin once more. It seems I need this lifting every day since the accident.
Life is definitely different. I think things will never return to the way they were. How could they? A piece of our heart is missing. I know I will never be the same and I have accepted this. I hope others will understand and realize this truth not just for me, but for my kids too. Please don’t forget about the girls of my house they are grieving too, but with fewer coping skills to deal with real life issues. I know for me doing all things is overwhelming and your mind constantly goes to the fact that Logan should be here too. I am sure their hearts are experiencing these same emotions.
I have come to realize there is no end to this journey. When hard things come along I always stop and ask God, “What do you have for me to learn through this and how should I use it to love on others?” I would just work though it, deal with it, and move on. God has allowed plenty of difficult things into my life and this is exactly the approach I have taken. But with this kind of loss it doesn’t work that way. I have come to learn this is a life long journey. This one doesn’t end. If you think it should end tell me which one of your children you can do without and that missing them will go away and you will heal right up and just be able move on like they didn’t exist.
The word HEALING has taken on a new meaning to me. Your cut, scrape, ouchy, or broken bone can heal. It can feel better and you can easily move on. A scar may remain, but the pain doesn’t linger. There is NOT healing in traumatic loss. It becomes learning how to live again. Learning how to keep moving forward when you are so broken that you don’t even feel like it or know if you are able. It becomes gaining an understanding of grief and what works for you to sift through the many emotions that you will be bombarded with. It becomes leaning into the Lord and clinging to Him with desperate hands. Your daily time with God becomes interlocking your every moment and heart with His.
For those experiencing a traumatic loss {of any kind} please give them extra love, time, and grace. They need extra patience, understanding, and compassion. If you are in the season of loss then you know these are blessings. Just love each other not because we are told to, but because we are all hurting in some fashion. If you look at others with the eyes of compassion maybe you will see the world differently. Maybe through the eyes of Jesus.
Much love sent to you, Ann