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Journal entry by Ann– Aug 30, 2017
I never fully understood what parents that lost their children were experiencing. Sadly, I can say I do now. This is like no other kind of pain or trauma that I have ever endured. Most of the time there are not words to describe it and what you are experiencing can change from moment to moment. If you find yourself without the right words to say to someone in this situation it’s okay to say nothing. Your hugs, cards, and prayers are of great comfort. Just knowing others are praying for me eases the weight of my heart, because sometimes I don’t even have the right words to pray. I’m thankful for the Lord who can intercede for me when my tears, groans, and utterings don’t make any sense.
Since Logan passed away I feel like I’m in such a strange place. It’s like I don’t fit in anywhere or maybe I never really did. It’s kind of like being in a fog that isn’t blown away with the breeze. I feel on the outside of what’s going on around me. At parties or gatherings I feel so out of place. I am there physically, but mentally I have a hard time focusing and staying in tune to what’s going on. I can feel a smile on my face, but I think it’s just placed there out of habit to cover my broken heart. To engage and focus on a conversation is really hard. Please extend a little extra grace my way and know I want to hear what you have to say and you are important to me. All I can say right now is I’m doing my best.
Though I can say with a new found peace that I have turned a very small corner in this life long journey. Since the accident I have had such anxiety, fear, and worry and that is so not me. I have never been a anxious person, but until just recently that was me with crippling affects. I’d cry all day if I had to go some where and get so panicked. I either wouldn’t go at all or do my best to put on my pretend face like all is great. Though I was completely shattered inside. I don’t know what made it so crippling maybe I didn’t want people to think I wasn’t okay or the fear of crying or breaking down. A huge fear was what if I could not get it under control. No one wants to go places a feel like a mess. That makes alot of people uncomfortable and all eyes are looking on you with pity.
Thank you to those who have allowed me to grieve. Thank you Lord for softening that fear with your truths, love, and comfort. I am now ready to deal w the details of the accident. I did finally see the spot where it happened which was extremely difficult, but comforting in knowing that Logan was there. Strange right? Though it was traumatizing for others he was surrounded by people who loved him and that’s not a bad place to be.
It doesn’t mean I’m over Logan’s passing which I don’t see how that could ever be possible, but I know I will never be the same. I am forever changed. Let me say though that God has opened my eyes with a heightened awareness of others who are experiencing grief and sorrow. God had already given me a great compassion and love for His people, but now that has changed too. In hearing of someone who has lost a loved one (not just a child) my heart is deeply burdened and aches for their life that will forever be altered.
Lord, Jesus please comfort those in my house, all who new Logan or of him and are hurting, and those who are in the throws of grief now. Lord, wrap your arms around them and soothe the constant ache they are experiencing.
Much love sent off from me to your all. Love and hugs, Ann

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