Journal entry by Ann — Jul 3, 2017
The last couple weeks have been really tough in our house the tears are flowing easily and the emotions are high. Its as if a bandage has been ripped off before the healing is complete. The loss of our son/ their brother is felt so greatly and everywhere we look he is absent. I can feel the heaviness of my children’s hearts and not sure how to alleviate their pain. There are many snuggles, much love, and prayers over them. Watching them in pain and not being able to relieve their ache is so difficult. I would take it all on me in a second if I could. I feel so broken, weary, helpless, and unable to ease my own heart. I can not even count the number of moments my eyes met with Scotts and tears were flooding his or mine. Well, if ones cries we all cry. Its like a yawn no one gets to do that alone!

Finding comfort in the Lord is first, but finding it in each other is soothing too.
On this holiday weekend we are missing Logan a little extra. This kind of holiday is usually filled with road trips, four-wheeling, camping out, being out doors, fireworks, and of course cooking out on the fire. If you knew Logie this was his kind of fun especially the fire! He loved making camp fires and he was good at it. No gas or flame starter helpers, he wanted to do it with flint and a cotton ball. According to him that was the best and only way. I can’t tell you how many bags of cotton balls I have now.
Please pray for us everyone is struggling. Each day is different, but a day doesn’t go by that someone isn’t crying. which I think is so normal for this kind of pain, but as a mom it is such a weight on my heart that nothing can soothe. I know Scott is feeling this too. Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann— Jun 14, 2017
Scott’s shoulder surgery went great. The doctor said he had more damage than he actually thought. The rotator cuff was torn also. Which was damage he didn’t previously see. We will be going home in about an hour. Thank you God.
Thanks you for all your prayers and baring with me through my weakness.
I lift my eyes to the hills where does my help come from. My help comes from the Lord.

Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Jun 14, 2017
At the hospital now. This place releases emotions, feelings, and a heaviness of my heart. I got to sit with Scott for a time while we waited for doctor to come in. It was a nice time together of chatting, but also of comfortable silence. We walked down the hall I gave a hug and a kiss and sent him off with the nurse. I said I love you, but as it came out I looked at the nurse she may have thought it was for her!
As I sit and wait I can’t help but think about Logan. He wanted Scott too get this shoulder surgery so they could do more things together and his dad wouldn’t be in pain. So really at this time Scott is doing this for Logie.
I know this is a routine procedure, but I have to fight off the thoughts that he may not wake up. I find myself nervous to pray Lord, your will be done. I feel panic rush through my body. Surely God wouldn’t allow Scott to be taken home too, at least not right now when we are still so heavy hearted, right!
When the worry or panic comes I pray,
“Lord, I trust you and I know you have this too. I accept your will and I humbly offer my thanks and praise. You are the God of perfection. You love your children and hear their pleas. You know me, Lord. Please hear the cry of my heart.”
Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — May 31, 2017
I have noticed each day comes with a new memory and more ways to miss Logan. In talking to people I asked if it gets easier? Their answers were hard to hear. As they said no it doesn’t get easier it just changes. Some days are really hard and some days the weight is lifted a bit. At any moment tears could come because of a specific thing or because of nothing at all.
I asked how do you heal from such a loss? Their answers were, you don’t. Well, what do I do with that? The answer is I don’t know. It isn’t encouraging to hear those who have suffered a great loss say it will always be hard. But there is great comfort in knowing I am not alone. God is with me right by my side loving, soothing, and guiding me through this all. God has also sent many people to come walk through this journey with me and my family. I am so thankful for those provisions.

As we settle back in from our trip to Florida I realize there are so many more places that Logan filled that remain empty. We were so blessed to be able to go on this once in a lifetime trip, but those empty places followed us. I get extreme motion sickness and so did Logan. Even though I had patches, bands, and Dramamine I still felt sick on our flight and thought of him often. As we went on rides I missed him more. Logan would have been my riding partner where we could feel sick together! Though a couple girls felt a little yucky no one could sympathize with me like Logan could. We are now an odd number so each ride we went on it felt like a scramble to see who would ride with who and who may have to ride alone. It was just another reminder of his absence.
I am sure all mothers understand the counting of your children whether you are home or out on an outing. Lets just say that has not only been hard at home, but also on our trip. As we were walking through the parks from about 9:00 A.M.- 8:00 P.M. I kept counting kids and when I would get to five I’d say someone is missing but who? Then I’d realize it was Logan and fight back the tears knowing he will always be missing. I did this several times an hour for five days. You think I would have gotten it, but I didn’t. He is just supposed to be there. Each time we were asked what our number of people were I could barely answer.
My mind drifted to Logan walking all those hours in the extreme heat and how he would have probably been crabby with sore feet. And how I would have been trying to cheer him up and bugging him until I got a smile. I know he would have sacrificed himself to give JacLynn a piggy back ride when she was tired, like he always did. We stayed in a treehouse villa in honor of Logie. He would have loved that. There were little lizards everywhere and all I could think is he would have been picking them up and probably trying to scare me. We were blessed to go on this trip so in no way am I dismissing it, but his loss was heavily felt.
This weekend has been hard and dusty. I can feel the weight of all the hearts in our house and that they are feeling the same ache.
Lord, please send your comfort, soothe our hearts, and ease our pain.
Let us be your hands and feet to bring those same blessings to others.
Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — May 29, 2017
With Memorial Day here I am thinking of those who have passed serving our country. They were fighting for our freedoms to stay intact, to uphold our laws, and honor our Creator with the beliefs on which our country was built upon. We also think of those that have passed away recently or many years back. The time frame doesn’t matter the loss is still great.
I think of Logan who didn’t serve our country in the military even though he would have given his life fighting for what was right. He didn’t have a job, drive a car, start a family, or get the chance to be sent out to be a productive member of society.
BUT he did serve! He served the Lord. He freely talked and told people about Jesus. He would ask you straight out what your beliefs were and then discuss them with you. For Logan there was no sugar coating anything. He saw things like me, black and white, it was either right or wrong there’s no gray area. He served God with his actions, words, and his heart. He fought for what was right and protected those he felt were wronged. What a great loss we are dealing with, but what a great reward for him. He is now serving the Heavenly Father up close and personal. When I think about that it warms my heart and when I try to imagine what he is experiencing I feel great joy.
We all are missing someone and its not just on this weekend. So lets hold each other up in prayer and be supportive to those we know are suffering. Each household has something difficult they are dealing with so lets give people the benefit of the doubt, talk to their hearts, and take the time to get to know each others stories. Treating each other with love and kindness will go a lot farther than rude and thoughtless acts.

Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — May 13, 2017
As Mother’s day approaches I am thinking extra about Logan. One less to share the day with. Logie would always give me a big smile and wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. I would also get the best hug! I sure do miss his hugs. He gave you a real hug not just one of those quick taps on the back like some kids do just to get the hug over with. I will be thinking of him tomorrow as I am surrounded my all my girls. Appreciating his thoughtfulness and love for me.
Everyday this week I have been gardening. You might think that is a time I wouldn’t be thinking extra about him, but I am. Logan was either helping me with the gardening chores or sitting near where I was working talking my ear off. Oh, how I miss those talks. I loved hearing all the thoughts, ideas, and better ways for everyone to do things. We would joke that if people would just listen to our ideas and the RIGHT ways (OUR WAY) to do things the world would be a better place. Lets just say it has been a very dusty week.
Today I was working in the back yard doing a lot of raking, four hours worth! As I was raking by the wood shed I began to cry and as I was asking myself out loud, “What’s the matter with you?”
I realized Logie didn’t get to finish chopping all the logs into smaller pieces so they would burn easily when we had a camp fire. That was his goal this summer to finish the whole pile. Then as I composed myself and I said out loud again, “I will finish it for him.” So I asked Scott to teach me how to chop the wood and he said maybe he should do it since I shouldn’t have sharp things. How well does my husband know me? He is so right my clumsiness would take over and I could lose a finger, toe, or chop my own shin! My name means graceful, but that’s a funny joke. I just pretend it means grace on the inside!
As the days go on those empty spots where Logan filled are so clearly seen and felt. We thank you all for your prayers and comfort. Since the dust is still thick in my house and wherever we go we sure need it.
Happy Mother’s Day to all those women who love a child even if they are not your own. God made a woman’s heart full of enough love to share with those birthed, adopted, mentored, or just taken under our wing.

Much love sent from me to you. Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Apr 28, 2017

Lord,
Thank you for the gift of salvation and the softening our hearts.
Thank you for your mercy, love and grace.
Thank you for your Son, Jesus who you sacrficed for us to have a home with you.
Thank you for preparing a place for those who choose you.
Thank you for the oppoutunity to experience your unending love.
Thank you for the protections and care you lay upon us daily.
Thank you Lord for taking my precious boy home to be with you.
Thank you for sparing him from a life of tears, pain, and sin.
Thank you for your grace that kept him from laying in a bed the rest of his life.
Thank you for your mercy on him; from feeling pain, just laying there, and worst of all feeling nothing.
Thank you for Logan’s new home. A place of peace and indescribable joy.
Thank you for loving my son and making him be yours.

Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Apr 24, 2017
On January 21st when Logan passed away I thought it’s finished then Scott said, “Now we plan the funeral.” The thought of that made me cry more than what we had gone through that week. As my mind drifted to what would have to take place the following week to prepare a service my heart became overwhelmed with the realization of the huge loss we had experienced. We made it through that week, survived the funeral, and have been figuring out how to live without our sweet boy. There is only one way to explain how we have been able to do this, God. As I have said before He has lifted us up and carried us through especially on days we didn’t think we would be able to handle. Every day we are reminded of new things we miss about him. Most of the time it is something I wouldn’t have thought would trigger an emotion so there are surprises around every corner. Who would have thought that walking down the chip aisle at Walmart would bring tears to your eyes. Logan would never turn down a chip especially if you had jalepeno cheese dip! We gave him 3 cans in his Christmas stocking!
Many people keep saying I don’t know how you are doing this I can’t even imagine going through what you are going through. Well, we never thought this would be us either. We could never have imagined that we would be enduring the deep pain and loss of losing a child.

Yesterday, we buried Logan at the cemetery just down the road from our house. Another difficult day that we never thought about experiencing. As we stood there all I could think is I can’t believe this is happening and I don’t want to be without my boy. Why do we have to lose our precious boy, why him, why us? Then I thought why not us, why would we be the ones that deserved to be spared. So when we got home I looked up the death rate and it said 151,600 people die each day. Which made me think even more why am I more worthy to keep my family intact that someone else. Everyone is walking around with some kind of burden or pain that they are carrying. Which should make us all more patient and loving with others. We never know what someone is experiencing. We all have a story hand written by God himself and no matter how difficult it is we are not alone. He is right beside us, draw into Him. He longs to hear from us.

God has reminded me that He has Logan under His wing and in His loving arms. I take great comfort in knowing that Logan loves God, believes in Jesus, gave his heart over, and was willing to live his life to serve God no matter what. As I grieve this deep loss of my son I also take great comfort in knowing he is experiencing God up close and personal. It warms my heart to think he is whole, experiencing pure joy, and enveloped in a love that we could never even imagine, a love that I am not even capable of giving Logie.

Lord, please dry up our tears, ease our hearts, give us strength, and be our great comforter. Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Apr 16, 2017
Thank you to all those who loved on us on this special holiday. Easter is a time of worship and thankfulness. What better holiday to celebrate than the day of our risen Lord. It has always been a day of just our little family {us 8}being at home spending time together, going to church, playing games, having a fire, and being outside if possible. Though we are feeling a great loss, Logan has gained a great reward so much better than we can even understand.
A special friend wrote this to me…..”I can imagine your precious boy overflowing with worship as he beholds the risen Savior face to face. Logan will be able to rejoice this year with full understanding of all God has done to win the victory over sin and death.”
I can not even imagine what Logan is experiencing. My heart feels overwhelmed with joy at the thought of my sweet boy having intimate encounters with the Lord Himself. Once there his eyes were fully opened to the holiness of God. The thought takes my breath away.
Thank you for so much love and support. Love and hugs,  Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Apr 8, 2017
“Even If” by Mercy Me
They say sometimes you win some Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I’m losing bad I’ve stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it’ll be alright But right now, oh right now I just can’t

It’s easy to sing When there’s nothing to bring me down
But what will I say When I’m held to the flame Like I am right now

I know You’re able and I know You can Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith To move a mountain
Good thing A little faith is all I have right now
But God, when You choose To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength to be able to sing It is well with my soul

I know You’re able and I know You can Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t My hope is You alone

You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You Come what may ‘Cause I know You’re able I know You can

I know You’re able and I know You can Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t My hope is You alone
It is well with my soul It is well, it is well with my soul

Thank you to the couple people who told me of this song weeks ago. I love how it is worshipping God, but it also says exactly what I am feeling. Except the part where it says,
“They say it only takes a little faith To move a mountain
Good thing A little faith is all I have right now.”
I may feel weak and vulnerable, but my faith is not little, if anything it is stronger and more solid than it ever was. Since I stand on the solid foundation of Christ how could my faith be little? I have found I can be completely broken wondering how I will walk through some days, but I’m finding strength in the middle of my grief. BUT only because of God’s great love and care for me. I feel His grace and mercy poured upon me daily. There is no greater love and comfort than what we get to recieve from Him.
My favorite part is when it says,
“I know You’re able and I know You can Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t My hope is You alone.”
During that week I felt we were not saved from the fire. We are allowed to endure the fire, but we were not burned and we were not alone. Not only was God with us every step of the way comforting and soothing our aching hearts, He also sent His children{you} to love on us and to be our support. For this we are forever grateful. I know with ease He could take away the sorrow and hurt, but we are supposed to go through this for a reason, for a purpose bigger than we are able see. God’s plans are perfect and I accept them no matter how hard they are.
Today is one of those tough days where tears started the moment I awoke because of a dream I had about Logan. The dust in my house must be thick since the tears have not ceased today. I am missing Logan so much today that words can not express what I am feeling so the tears seem to be my words and prayers sent up to my Savior. I’m calling out to Him to be covered while I process and find myself feeling such sorrow and loss.
I looked up the word Lament and it means mourn-grieve-sorrow-wail-weep-cry-sob-keen.
I never fully understood what the word lament meant until now. I may weep, mourn, and grieve, but my hope stays strong in Him, my hope does not faulter, my hope is in Him and Him alone.
As I looked up the word this Scripture came up with the definition….
Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Could there be any better verse to cover me with His love, peace, and blessings!
Lets just say it got really dusty when I read that Scripture. Oh, how I love the way God speaks to my heart throught songs, the Scriptures, prayer, and how He uses other peoples words to encourage me. I was only going to put the song on here to share with others, but I guess God had other plans in using this moment to share my heart. Thanks Love and hugs, Ann