What do I call this one?

Journal entry by Ann — May 31, 2017
I have noticed each day comes with a new memory and more ways to miss Logan. In talking to people I asked if it gets easier? Their answers were hard to hear. As they said no it doesn’t get easier it just changes. Some days are really hard and some days the weight is lifted a bit. At any moment tears could come because of a specific thing or because of nothing at all.
I asked how do you heal from such a loss? Their answers were, you don’t. Well, what do I do with that? The answer is I don’t know. It isn’t encouraging to hear those who have suffered a great loss say it will always be hard. But there is great comfort in knowing I am not alone. God is with me right by my side loving, soothing, and guiding me through this all. God has also sent many people to come walk through this journey with me and my family. I am so thankful for those provisions.

As we settle back in from our trip to Florida I realize there are so many more places that Logan filled that remain empty. We were so blessed to be able to go on this once in a lifetime trip, but those empty places followed us. I get extreme motion sickness and so did Logan. Even though I had patches, bands, and Dramamine I still felt sick on our flight and thought of him often. As we went on rides I missed him more. Logan would have been my riding partner where we could feel sick together! Though a couple girls felt a little yucky no one could sympathize with me like Logan could. We are now an odd number so each ride we went on it felt like a scramble to see who would ride with who and who may have to ride alone. It was just another reminder of his absence.
I am sure all mothers understand the counting of your children whether you are home or out on an outing. Lets just say that has not only been hard at home, but also on our trip. As we were walking through the parks from about 9:00 A.M.- 8:00 P.M. I kept counting kids and when I would get to five I’d say someone is missing but who? Then I’d realize it was Logan and fight back the tears knowing he will always be missing. I did this several times an hour for five days. You think I would have gotten it, but I didn’t. He is just supposed to be there. Each time we were asked what our number of people were I could barely answer.
My mind drifted to Logan walking all those hours in the extreme heat and how he would have probably been crabby with sore feet. And how I would have been trying to cheer him up and bugging him until I got a smile. I know he would have sacrificed himself to give JacLynn a piggy back ride when she was tired, like he always did. We stayed in a treehouse villa in honor of Logie. He would have loved that. There were little lizards everywhere and all I could think is he would have been picking them up and probably trying to scare me. We were blessed to go on this trip so in no way am I dismissing it, but his loss was heavily felt.
This weekend has been hard and dusty. I can feel the weight of all the hearts in our house and that they are feeling the same ache.
Lord, please send your comfort, soothe our hearts, and ease our pain.
Let us be your hands and feet to bring those same blessings to others.
Love and hugs, Ann