Journal entry by DeLaney — Mar 26, 2017
Monday, January 16 2017 my brother Logan was in a bad accident. I was ay my job as a nanny and my mom called me about 3:30 and told me Logan was being brought to the hospital and didn’t say any more to not upset me cause I had to work a few more hours but I could feel something was not right. When I got home I went to BreAnna to see if she had any news but by the look in her eyes I knew something was really wrong. She took me into another room and told me that Logan was unconscious and that they were doing tests on him to see what was really wrong. A while later my youth pastor and his wife came to pray with us and make sure we were okay while my parents were at the hospital.
Tuesday morning we went to the hospital. We went to a family room and had a doctor come and explain what was going on with Logan. She told us that Logan’s injuries were very serious. He had spinal cord damage, broke his back, and severe brain damage from lack of oxygen. This news was so hard to hear. The tears just wouldn’t stop coming. After a little bit we went to see Logan. It was hard seeing him laying there and his whole face was twitching. He had facial twitching that the doctors thought could be mini seizures or his brain slowly dying.
Wednesday we were at the hospital all day. We had many family and friends come and visit and pray over Logan. The twitching mostly stopped and Logan’s face looked more peaceful and looked more like himself. Later that evening BreAnna and I went to youth group at our church. It was nice to see our friends and how much they all cared about us and Logan. We had a night of prayer. It was really encouraging!
Thursday we were at the hospital all day again. Four days in and no changes at all. Which was very difficult. Later that day they did another MRI to look at the brain. The results were worse than the first MRI they did on Monday. His brain was 75% damaged and very swollen. All of this bad news was very hard but we knew that there was still hope! Because through God anything is possible! If God wanted Logan to get up out of the bed and walk out of the hospital he would have but that just wasn’t His plan for Logan.
Friday. I just felt Gods peace all day. It was the coolest feeling like everything was going to be okay no matter what happened. Which was totally God. We had so much love and support through that week. Its unbelievable! Even though it was a tough time I grew so much closer to God and I felt His love and peace so much.
Saturday January 21 2017 at 7:11pm Logan Howard Rautio went to be home with his Heavenly Father. The last hour before Logan passed my parents, my sisters, and I stood around Logan’s bed praying and we put one of our favorite songs on called This is not goodbye by Sidewalk Prophets. I’m so glad that one day I will see Logan again!
DeLaney

Journal entry by Ann — Mar 25, 2017
I have no way to thank the people who have loved on us and ministered to our family during this time. I am so grateful for the ways we have been blessed by so many. So I am sending a heartfelt thank you.
These days are so hard. After all has calmed down, the busyness is over, and people fade away we are left to figure out how to carry on. What do we do with this emptiness? We draw into the Lord. We lean on Him, rely on Him, and press into Him. We seek Him daily, hourly, and sometimes hold closer to Him with each passing minute. Without God we are so weak.
I have read books on grief and how to cope with what I am experiencing and what I may experience. It is such a strange state of mind to be in. The cloudiness and lack of motivation make the days harder. My tears flow far to easily for my own comfort. My whole life I have been able to be in control of that even during some extremely difficult years. So if we are talking and it gets “dusty” for me, know that it is not you, what you did, or what you said. It’s just me working it through.
Yesterday I cried while looking out the deck door because I saw a squirrel! Most of you didn’t know, but Logan was an excellent squirrel hunter. We have far to many pictures of him smiling proudly holding up a squirrel that he took care of in order to protect us! And for the sake of saving my birdfeeders from being emptied which caused the birds to go hungry or me to spend way too much money on birdseed! While he was supposed to be doing school he would watch the squirrels. He found out that they had a system; there would be two squirrels; one to watch from a tree to be able to warn the other who would scamper up the deck and try to fill its cheeks with tasty seed. But NOT on Logan’s watch!
I love to hear Logan’s name. I love to hear stories about him. It warms my heart to think this child that was gifted to me has affected so many in his short time here. Logan’s heart was full of gentleness, kindness, and so thoughtful of others. If you were blessed to get to know him or talk with him I know you are missing him too.
I have to admit I am struggling with leaving the house, I feel so out of place and not wanting break down. Anything can trigger it and unexpected things tend to be harder than I thought they would be. I have to give my heart over to God every time Scott or one of my daughters leaves the house. My mind drifts to this could be the last hug I give them the last time I see them healthy. That is exactly what happened for Logan, that precious last hug he gave before he left the house that Sunday night. After all the people of my house are not mine. My daughters and husband are on loan to me until God takes them home. I have to pass that panic over to God and release those feelings with prayer. As I write this four people are gone from my house tonight and I have released these feelings to Him 7 times in two hours. All part of the process, but very unexpected.
I have to thank a special visitor today who helped to uplift and encourage us. Not a lot was said, but just the right words were spoken. My heart felt soothed and as we were prayed over I could feel the weight lift just a bit. It was prayed that the Holy Spirit be left upon us and our house. What a comforting thought. The breath of God continuing to seep into our hearts; to be washed by the Spirit. And that God would saturate our lives and hearts with His love, guidance, and protection. I know of no greater love than that of my Heavenly Father.

Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Mar 5, 2017
This is what I know… I know that God loves me more than I could ever love Him. He loved me enough to send His Son, Jesus to be born in a filthy stable. He then would lovingly watch over His son guiding, nurturing, and supporting Him through all that He was to endure. Jesus days were saturated with serving, teaching, and loving others. In no way was He born to be self-serving. God’s plan for His Son was to be a sacrifice for those who choose to follow Him and accept Him as their Savior. I think of this great sacrifice and wonder would I be able to surrender my own child for this calling. How could I measure the worth of this sacrifice.
Here’s how. On the day of Jesus betrayal from His friend/disciple He was taken from all who cared about Him, beaten, mocked, and spat on. The soldiers forced upon his head a crown of thorns, He was stripped of His clothing, and flogged. The Bible says Jesus was unrecognizable after this severe torture. As He hung on the cross His clothes were divided among the soldiers and He was ridiculed though he said nothing, but “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” As Jesus committed His spirit into His Father’s hands the veil/curtain of the temple was torn in two. Its tearing symbolized Christ’s death making it possible for believers to go directly to God. God wants us to have a relationship with Him and to seek him out daily. Through reading the Bible, prayer, thankfulness, and devotions we can have that intimate bond. What a gruesome death for God’s beloved Son. I don’t think we can know the depth of how horrific this was. That’s how much He loves us, that he would have His only Son endure that kind of affliction to save even just one.

This is what I feel. I am carrying a deep sorrow and miss Logan more than I could ever express. When people ask me how I am I want to say I am great, but I am not great. I am greatly missing my only son. I can now admit that I am grieving. I never really knew what that word meant until Logan’s accident. I lost my brother last May and I think I just tried to suck it up, be strong, and move on. During this last month I kept thinking I have to be so strong and encourage everyone. Though now I realize more than ever that I am not strong. I am so weak without God’s guidance, love, and care. God has held me up, encouraged me, and strengthened me. I find myself worshipping Him in the midst of my pain. God allowed the accident and Logan’s passing. I accept this as God’s plan for our family. Who am I to argue with the Creator of all things. After all God knows me better than I know myself and He knows what is best for me. I still go back to that God is good and since all that comes from God is good there are no bad situations. They may be tough or hard but never bad. I have complete confidence and faith that He will be right beside me helping me through it all. Since God is perfect here are no coincidences or mistakes.
I miss Logan sitting at the table playing on his phone when he is supposed to be doing school. I admired how he was always looking for ways to help me. I loved his face beaming with pride when I asked him to carry something when I acted like it was too heavy for me. I miss buying clothes for him which was often because he was growing so fast. I miss the way he would get distracted and try to wrestle any sister he could instead of doing grammar (NOT his favorite subject AT ALL). I miss his hugs and goodnight kiss. Yes, he still gave us smooches!
My heart is warmed when I think about Logan and gardening. When Logan would hear me scream because a frog or toad would jump out at me from the rocks and he would come running to save me. Though there was a time when he was a little boy and wouldn’t pick them up, but he would come running and say just a minute mom while I go get BreAnna to pick it up! I also remember many times that he would chase me with a frog or toad and I would threaten to ground him if he didn’t stop. Lets just say he dropped the little guys pretty quickly!
I admired the way he would get up extra early to exercise before school. I even miss the way he would eat even if it was little too loud for my taste. I also loved the way he looked out for other people especially girls and looking to see if they needed help. I miss continually telling him to get back to school when he would be goofing off. I will always have a soft spot for the rock he sat on in my garden where we talked for hours about salvation and where he accepted Jesus that day.
I miss our talks and times of all of us sitting around making up scenarios and stories. It was a privilege being his mom. I invested so much into him, as did Scott. I wanted Logan to be a nice, thoughtful boy that would be respect women and be a great husband someday. I knew he would be a great father with Scott as his example how could he fail. I was excited to see what kind of wife he would have. Probably his only qualifications were first she had to love Jesus and second knives or weapons! We always joked with him that he was only going to have daughters. Then he would say can I just have one son? Like its up to me!!!!
I have a thousand stories of my sweet Logie so maybe from time to time I can share them with you all. Thank you for the love and support please continue to pray for his sisters. love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann— Feb 27, 2017
Its been awhile since I wrote! These days seem to be drifting together. It’s been a month since Logan’s passing and as of right now it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier. The tears are readily flowing. Though at our house we don’t say we are crying we say, “It’s getting dusty in here!” That makes us laugh a bit when our heart is sad.
Today is Logan’s birthday and our hearts are heavy with missing him, but we are also celebrating our son. The time we got to have with him was precious and we wouldn’t trade it for anything. Every place my eyes look, I see him. The memories are wonderful and painful at the same time.
Thank you for all the well wishes on his birthday. I felt the love of others for our family and for Logie. I am so thankful for all your support.

Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Scott — Feb 26, 2017
Tomorrow is Logan’s Birthday. He had planned a party this year with his friends on the ice rink. It would be a day of skating, sliding, hockey, snowmobiling and boy talk. He obviously didn’t know what the weather was going to be because the ice rink is completely melted. One of the other things that we have done for years is ride snowmobiles over to Fish Lake to the vintage snowmobile event. This year would have been the first year that he would have been able to ride his own snowmobile. We would ride over there together, look at all of the snowmobiles, compare them to his restored 79′ Yamaha Enticer, and have a burger at the Eagles Nest Resort. I will sadly miss that.
Since the funeral, I have heard a variety of different comments. “You look like you have it all together.” “I don’t know how you could speak at the funeral.” “You know; you don’t have to act all tough. You are allowed to cry.” The most common one is….”How are you doing?” I am all of those and none of those. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I don’t know how I am supposed to be acting, or how I am supposed to be feeling. I don’t know if I am doing well, or if I am really screwing this up.
If “I have it all together,” I don’t feel that way. I love to think about Logan and am thankful for the time God loaned him to me. I don’t always get emotional about it, but sometimes I will just start sobbing out of the blue for no apparent reason. When people show they care, it touches me so deeply that I may get misty. I am sure I will adapt to this “new normal” someday, but I will never be the same and will never “have it all together.” A huge part of my family, on earth, will always be missing, but I look forward to seeing my precious Logan again.
How could “I speak at the funeral?” How could I hold it together. Many strong men told me that they do not think that they could do it. THEY couldn’t do it anymore than I could do it. Not on my own, at least. The words I spoke came out of my mouth, but they were not MY words. They were God’s words. If you were encouraged, in some way, by the words I spoke at the funeral or on this web site, I am glad God is working in your life. I am thankful that I could be a small part of God’s plan for both of us. 1 Corinthians 11:1
If, when you see me somewhere, you think that I am acting in a way that makes you think I am trying to be tough and trying not cry, you are partially correct. I am trying not to cry. I still do sometimes, but I really don’t want to cry in public. I am not saying that to stop anyone from talking to me about Logan or the situation. I will take the chance of becoming misty anytime because I love to talk about Logan. Also, if you want to talk about what we have been going through, I will talk about it and take the risk of getting misty. I do not, however, feel tough. I feel very weak and broken. If it was not for the peace that God has given me, the love from my wife and children, and the love from my church family and my friends, I would be in a puddle of tears on the floor. I do not think I would even get out of bed. God prepared me for this and has carried me through it every step, every day. So, I am trying not to cry, and I am not very tough. I don’t know how I am supposed to act, so I’m just going day by day.
So, “How am I doing?” Good question. How is a person supposed to act when they loose their only son and friend? There is no gage. I miss him more than anything. About five years ago, a couple of friends talked me into bringing Logan to men’s retreats, men’s breakfast, guy’s game night and any other men’s outings. I am so thankful that I did not go along with…. “He is too young.” I am so grateful that God gave me that time with him. I have not attended those outings recently, but I will soon. I highly encourage you to attend the men’s outings, especially, if you can bring your son. When I brought Logan, I did not send him off with the other kids to be separated from the adults. He stuck with me and my friends. I was hoping that my friends and I would be a good example for him so he could grow to be a strong Christian man. Logan was a MAN(As big as a man, but my little boy.) OF GOD, and if I had some small part in God’s plan for him, I am thankful. So, I don’t know, really, how I am doing because I don’t know how to gauge it.
I am constantly in prayer asking God what He wants me to do and say. I do not want to screw this up for God. I covet your prayers and encouragement, especially for my family. Please tell me if you think I am not doing the right thing. I am open to feedback. I want to be increasingly like God until I am glorified one day like Logan.
I am not going to get to do all of the things Logan and I planned. I do not know all of the reasons God took Logan home to Him, but I do know that there are many blessings that have already come from this situation. I hear some new blessing everyday….no kidding. I am not sure how, when, or if my earthly sadness, sorrow, and grief will subside. What I do know is that when he went home to be with his Heavenly Father, it was not the day I said good bye to him. When I accepted that he went home, I said I love you until I see you again. February 27, 2003 will always be the day my only boy was born. Happy Birthday Buddy!!!

 

Journal entry by Ann — Feb 14, 2017
As we celebrate our first holiday without Logan it is sure strange. I know Valentine’s Day isn’t one of the top holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Easter but we celebrate all things together. So even on this simple day we see that empty spot clearly. I think according to the world and other people we are different. Our family is really close and know each other really well. We take the time to talk and get to know the heart of each other.
This day is supposed to be dedicated to love, but we have dedicated all our days to love, kindness, and being thoughtful of others. I have dedicated my heart and time to God first, my husband second, and my children third. I have walked beside my kids through every situation they have come in contact with. I am Helping them, guiding them, and hopefully clearly showing them the love of Jesus. I am not a perfect parent, but I love my children and have been so blessed to be able to come along side them through all of life’s events and happenings. Thank you Lord for the time I get to have each one of them. Lord help me to invest in their hearts like you invest in mine!
Happy Valentine’s Day. Much love sent from our family to yours.

Love and hugs, Ann

Journal entry by Ann — Feb 14, 2017
Found this song thanks to Jenny!
BE HERE LONG
By Needtobreathe
Close my eyes and think of you
Go to sleep and dream of you
We don’t get to be here long
I gave you the best of me
Loved you more than anything
But we don’t get to be here long
We don’t get to be here long
Though my heart may be in pieces
My eyes are still set on you
And though I can’t keep it together
I know that you’d want me to
Oh, I’m swimming in the grief
And there’s no anchor that could hold me down
I don’t want any relief
‘Cause I don’t wanna let you go right now
Close my eyes and think of you
Go to sleep and dream of you
We don’t get to be here long
I gave you the best of me
Loved you more than anything
But we don’t get to be here long
Oh, your moments were a charity
They gave me more than I could lose
Yeah, I know you found the promise land
But I’m still here and I’m missing you
Close my eyes and think of you
Go to sleep and dream of you
We don’t get to be here long
I gave you the best of me
Loved you more than anything
But we don’t get to be here long
When the day comes
And the fire is out
I wanna know that
I gave you all, I gave you all I had
When the day comes
And the fire is out
I wanna know that
I gave you my everything
Close my eyes and think of you
Go to sleep and dream of you
We don’t get to be here long
I gave you the best of me
Loved you more than anything
But we don’t get to be here long
Oh, we don’t get to be here long
We don’t get to be here long

Journal entry by DeLaney — Feb 11, 2017
I am so thankful for the almost 14 years I have had with my brother, Logan. I couldn’t have asked for a better brother he was my very best friend. We did so much together like air soft, hunting, playing hockey, walks in the woods, working for neighbors, we were baptized together, target practicing, and knife throwing, it could go on forever we did everything together.

Whenever he got a new obsession I would be the first to know all about it and he always tried to talk me into buying whatever it was. These last few weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life. I lost my best friend. I am so glad I know Jesus as my Lord and Savior or I don’t think I could have gotten through this without Him. I have never felt so close to God as I do now. Even through hard times God can work in peoples lives. He will never leave us or forsake us. DeLaney

Journal entry by Ann — Feb 10, 2017
Whether you knew Logan or not, may you be blessed by his story and can have the assurance of God that he had. God sent His Son, Jesus to be born as a baby, die on a cross to cover our sins, and be resurrected three days later where He then went to heaven to prepare a place for those who choose Him. Please reflect on this and seek out a conversation with God to accept His Son as your personal Savior.
We are so amazed at all the generosity from loved ones, friends, and even strangers. “Thank you” does not express what we are feeling toward each and every one of you who has taken the time to enter this site and bless our family. We are grateful for your love, support, and prayers.
We never expected the Gofundme site to explode the way it has. When it was suggested to us to open one we agreed with no expectations. Our friend began the site for us and we forgot about it until our daughter found the site by accident. We are blown away by your encouraging words and generosity. We are overwhelmed by the love and care we have received. We are truly blessed by everyone we have come into contact with either personally, through the sites, or cards we have received. Thank you seems like such a flimsy phrase for all the blessings we have received so we say it with our hearts completely attached, “Thank You.”
God’s blessing sent from the Rautio Family to yours.

Journal entry by Ann — Feb 9, 2017
As we try to get back to our schedule and routines I find it hard to focus. My thoughts are distracted and missing my son. I know by the tears flowing from my girls they are missing their only brother. Since our kids are homeschooled we LIVE in our house day in and day out we are always here spending time together, which makes the loss hit even harder. Everything we do and everywhere we go is together as a family unit.

Logan brought silliness and joy to our house. He would do almost anything the girls asked of him like vacuum dancing and acting out {girl} songs while singing them dramatically. He was a loving son and a great brother.
Though I miss him so much I love the thought of him worshipping the Heavenly Father that brings me great joy. He is protected, safe, fully loved, and no evils of the world are touching my precious boy. He has been spared so many painful things that come our way the older we get and the longer we are here.
I love the thought of him being completely whole! Logan had so many ear surgeries I have lost count, but now his ears hear perfectly! The frustration he had with not being able to hear is gone there’s no need for procedures or hearing aides. Logan’s two fingers that were crooked are perfectly straight and he can grasp things with ease. His joints that were so stiff making it hard for him to do certain things are now new and flexible. Now he can probably do a perfect somersault that doesn’t end in a headstand. Logan was woven together with all these special issues that made him who he was, woven together in my belly by God’s gentle, loving hands. To me he was my perfect baby boy with a heart for God. To God he is a treasure to be delighted in. God knew him better than I did, saw deeper into his heart than I ever could, and has loved him with more love than I ever knew existed.
Thank you Lord for the time we have had with Logan. Our children are a precious gift that so many take for granted. Thank you Lord for the gift of Logan borrowed to us for just a short time. Our lives will forever be altered because of his passing, but we have forever been blessed because Logan was here. Love and hugs, Ann