The process

Journal entry by Ann — Mar 25, 2017
I have no way to thank the people who have loved on us and ministered to our family during this time. I am so grateful for the ways we have been blessed by so many. So I am sending a heartfelt thank you.
These days are so hard. After all has calmed down, the busyness is over, and people fade away we are left to figure out how to carry on. What do we do with this emptiness? We draw into the Lord. We lean on Him, rely on Him, and press into Him. We seek Him daily, hourly, and sometimes hold closer to Him with each passing minute. Without God we are so weak.
I have read books on grief and how to cope with what I am experiencing and what I may experience. It is such a strange state of mind to be in. The cloudiness and lack of motivation make the days harder. My tears flow far to easily for my own comfort. My whole life I have been able to be in control of that even during some extremely difficult years. So if we are talking and it gets “dusty” for me, know that it is not you, what you did, or what you said. It’s just me working it through.
Yesterday I cried while looking out the deck door because I saw a squirrel! Most of you didn’t know, but Logan was an excellent squirrel hunter. We have far to many pictures of him smiling proudly holding up a squirrel that he took care of in order to protect us! And for the sake of saving my birdfeeders from being emptied which caused the birds to go hungry or me to spend way too much money on birdseed! While he was supposed to be doing school he would watch the squirrels. He found out that they had a system; there would be two squirrels; one to watch from a tree to be able to warn the other who would scamper up the deck and try to fill its cheeks with tasty seed. But NOT on Logan’s watch!
I love to hear Logan’s name. I love to hear stories about him. It warms my heart to think this child that was gifted to me has affected so many in his short time here. Logan’s heart was full of gentleness, kindness, and so thoughtful of others. If you were blessed to get to know him or talk with him I know you are missing him too.
I have to admit I am struggling with leaving the house, I feel so out of place and not wanting break down. Anything can trigger it and unexpected things tend to be harder than I thought they would be. I have to give my heart over to God every time Scott or one of my daughters leaves the house. My mind drifts to this could be the last hug I give them the last time I see them healthy. That is exactly what happened for Logan, that precious last hug he gave before he left the house that Sunday night. After all the people of my house are not mine. My daughters and husband are on loan to me until God takes them home. I have to pass that panic over to God and release those feelings with prayer. As I write this four people are gone from my house tonight and I have released these feelings to Him 7 times in two hours. All part of the process, but very unexpected.
I have to thank a special visitor today who helped to uplift and encourage us. Not a lot was said, but just the right words were spoken. My heart felt soothed and as we were prayed over I could feel the weight lift just a bit. It was prayed that the Holy Spirit be left upon us and our house. What a comforting thought. The breath of God continuing to seep into our hearts; to be washed by the Spirit. And that God would saturate our lives and hearts with His love, guidance, and protection. I know of no greater love than that of my Heavenly Father.

Love and hugs, Ann