know vs feel

Journal entry by Ann — Mar 5, 2017
This is what I know… I know that God loves me more than I could ever love Him. He loved me enough to send His Son, Jesus to be born in a filthy stable. He then would lovingly watch over His son guiding, nurturing, and supporting Him through all that He was to endure. Jesus days were saturated with serving, teaching, and loving others. In no way was He born to be self-serving. God’s plan for His Son was to be a sacrifice for those who choose to follow Him and accept Him as their Savior. I think of this great sacrifice and wonder would I be able to surrender my own child for this calling. How could I measure the worth of this sacrifice.
Here’s how. On the day of Jesus betrayal from His friend/disciple He was taken from all who cared about Him, beaten, mocked, and spat on. The soldiers forced upon his head a crown of thorns, He was stripped of His clothing, and flogged. The Bible says Jesus was unrecognizable after this severe torture. As He hung on the cross His clothes were divided among the soldiers and He was ridiculed though he said nothing, but “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” As Jesus committed His spirit into His Father’s hands the veil/curtain of the temple was torn in two. Its tearing symbolized Christ’s death making it possible for believers to go directly to God. God wants us to have a relationship with Him and to seek him out daily. Through reading the Bible, prayer, thankfulness, and devotions we can have that intimate bond. What a gruesome death for God’s beloved Son. I don’t think we can know the depth of how horrific this was. That’s how much He loves us, that he would have His only Son endure that kind of affliction to save even just one.

This is what I feel. I am carrying a deep sorrow and miss Logan more than I could ever express. When people ask me how I am I want to say I am great, but I am not great. I am greatly missing my only son. I can now admit that I am grieving. I never really knew what that word meant until Logan’s accident. I lost my brother last May and I think I just tried to suck it up, be strong, and move on. During this last month I kept thinking I have to be so strong and encourage everyone. Though now I realize more than ever that I am not strong. I am so weak without God’s guidance, love, and care. God has held me up, encouraged me, and strengthened me. I find myself worshipping Him in the midst of my pain. God allowed the accident and Logan’s passing. I accept this as God’s plan for our family. Who am I to argue with the Creator of all things. After all God knows me better than I know myself and He knows what is best for me. I still go back to that God is good and since all that comes from God is good there are no bad situations. They may be tough or hard but never bad. I have complete confidence and faith that He will be right beside me helping me through it all. Since God is perfect here are no coincidences or mistakes.
I miss Logan sitting at the table playing on his phone when he is supposed to be doing school. I admired how he was always looking for ways to help me. I loved his face beaming with pride when I asked him to carry something when I acted like it was too heavy for me. I miss buying clothes for him which was often because he was growing so fast. I miss the way he would get distracted and try to wrestle any sister he could instead of doing grammar (NOT his favorite subject AT ALL). I miss his hugs and goodnight kiss. Yes, he still gave us smooches!
My heart is warmed when I think about Logan and gardening. When Logan would hear me scream because a frog or toad would jump out at me from the rocks and he would come running to save me. Though there was a time when he was a little boy and wouldn’t pick them up, but he would come running and say just a minute mom while I go get BreAnna to pick it up! I also remember many times that he would chase me with a frog or toad and I would threaten to ground him if he didn’t stop. Lets just say he dropped the little guys pretty quickly!
I admired the way he would get up extra early to exercise before school. I even miss the way he would eat even if it was little too loud for my taste. I also loved the way he looked out for other people especially girls and looking to see if they needed help. I miss continually telling him to get back to school when he would be goofing off. I will always have a soft spot for the rock he sat on in my garden where we talked for hours about salvation and where he accepted Jesus that day.
I miss our talks and times of all of us sitting around making up scenarios and stories. It was a privilege being his mom. I invested so much into him, as did Scott. I wanted Logan to be a nice, thoughtful boy that would be respect women and be a great husband someday. I knew he would be a great father with Scott as his example how could he fail. I was excited to see what kind of wife he would have. Probably his only qualifications were first she had to love Jesus and second knives or weapons! We always joked with him that he was only going to have daughters. Then he would say can I just have one son? Like its up to me!!!!
I have a thousand stories of my sweet Logie so maybe from time to time I can share them with you all. Thank you for the love and support please continue to pray for his sisters. love and hugs, Ann