Happy Birthday Logan!!

Journal entry by Scott — Feb 26, 2017
Tomorrow is Logan’s Birthday. He had planned a party this year with his friends on the ice rink. It would be a day of skating, sliding, hockey, snowmobiling and boy talk. He obviously didn’t know what the weather was going to be because the ice rink is completely melted. One of the other things that we have done for years is ride snowmobiles over to Fish Lake to the vintage snowmobile event. This year would have been the first year that he would have been able to ride his own snowmobile. We would ride over there together, look at all of the snowmobiles, compare them to his restored 79′ Yamaha Enticer, and have a burger at the Eagles Nest Resort. I will sadly miss that.
Since the funeral, I have heard a variety of different comments. “You look like you have it all together.” “I don’t know how you could speak at the funeral.” “You know; you don’t have to act all tough. You are allowed to cry.” The most common one is….”How are you doing?” I am all of those and none of those. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I don’t know how I am supposed to be acting, or how I am supposed to be feeling. I don’t know if I am doing well, or if I am really screwing this up.
If “I have it all together,” I don’t feel that way. I love to think about Logan and am thankful for the time God loaned him to me. I don’t always get emotional about it, but sometimes I will just start sobbing out of the blue for no apparent reason. When people show they care, it touches me so deeply that I may get misty. I am sure I will adapt to this “new normal” someday, but I will never be the same and will never “have it all together.” A huge part of my family, on earth, will always be missing, but I look forward to seeing my precious Logan again.
How could “I speak at the funeral?” How could I hold it together. Many strong men told me that they do not think that they could do it. THEY couldn’t do it anymore than I could do it. Not on my own, at least. The words I spoke came out of my mouth, but they were not MY words. They were God’s words. If you were encouraged, in some way, by the words I spoke at the funeral or on this web site, I am glad God is working in your life. I am thankful that I could be a small part of God’s plan for both of us. 1 Corinthians 11:1
If, when you see me somewhere, you think that I am acting in a way that makes you think I am trying to be tough and trying not cry, you are partially correct. I am trying not to cry. I still do sometimes, but I really don’t want to cry in public. I am not saying that to stop anyone from talking to me about Logan or the situation. I will take the chance of becoming misty anytime because I love to talk about Logan. Also, if you want to talk about what we have been going through, I will talk about it and take the risk of getting misty. I do not, however, feel tough. I feel very weak and broken. If it was not for the peace that God has given me, the love from my wife and children, and the love from my church family and my friends, I would be in a puddle of tears on the floor. I do not think I would even get out of bed. God prepared me for this and has carried me through it every step, every day. So, I am trying not to cry, and I am not very tough. I don’t know how I am supposed to act, so I’m just going day by day.
So, “How am I doing?” Good question. How is a person supposed to act when they loose their only son and friend? There is no gage. I miss him more than anything. About five years ago, a couple of friends talked me into bringing Logan to men’s retreats, men’s breakfast, guy’s game night and any other men’s outings. I am so thankful that I did not go along with…. “He is too young.” I am so grateful that God gave me that time with him. I have not attended those outings recently, but I will soon. I highly encourage you to attend the men’s outings, especially, if you can bring your son. When I brought Logan, I did not send him off with the other kids to be separated from the adults. He stuck with me and my friends. I was hoping that my friends and I would be a good example for him so he could grow to be a strong Christian man. Logan was a MAN(As big as a man, but my little boy.) OF GOD, and if I had some small part in God’s plan for him, I am thankful. So, I don’t know, really, how I am doing because I don’t know how to gauge it.
I am constantly in prayer asking God what He wants me to do and say. I do not want to screw this up for God. I covet your prayers and encouragement, especially for my family. Please tell me if you think I am not doing the right thing. I am open to feedback. I want to be increasingly like God until I am glorified one day like Logan.
I am not going to get to do all of the things Logan and I planned. I do not know all of the reasons God took Logan home to Him, but I do know that there are many blessings that have already come from this situation. I hear some new blessing everyday….no kidding. I am not sure how, when, or if my earthly sadness, sorrow, and grief will subside. What I do know is that when he went home to be with his Heavenly Father, it was not the day I said good bye to him. When I accepted that he went home, I said I love you until I see you again. February 27, 2003 will always be the day my only boy was born. Happy Birthday Buddy!!!