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Journal entry by Ann — Dec 22, 2017
Here I sit, but a part of me is not present. I am in a crowd, but on my own. Somehow I am lifted out of the noise, chaos, and chatter. Most days it feels like a fog is lain upon me. So my attention to the world around me is restricted and distracted. There are conversations all around me, but my focus is strained. All I know is it takes a lot of work to pay attention to the happenings near me. It takes a lot of energy to maintain my focus. Grief is a very difficult thing to understand and even harder to explain.
I was so far from being what people who were hurting after a loss needed me to be. Not because I did anything wrong, but because I just couldn’t comprehend what they were really going through. Now I get it, now I have a whole new perspective that I just didn’t see before. I can now love on others and show a deep, genuine compassion I didn’t before. Now I can see the pain and loss in a whole new way. One that I hope will be honoring to God.
There is NEVER a moment that I am not thinking about Logan. In my waking, dreams, conversations, chores, teachings, and in my hugs. It’s kind of like an invisible umbrella is over my head. One with constant reminders like raindrops collecting, rolling down, and flooding my mind then rushing over my heart.
The longing to hold my boy is always weighing heavy on my arms. They ache to wrap them around him and squeeze him tight. In my mind I would be hugging my little boy, but his arms would envelop me. Before his passing he towered over me. Growing into the body of a young man was my baby boy. One milestone that he was never able to fulfil.
One of the many sweet things I treasure about Logan was that he was never to big to snuggle and kiss his mama and daddy. It didn’t matter where we were. There was no embarrassment as to who could be watching. He didn’t care he loved us and new of our great love for him. In our family we snuggle, love, smooch, scratch backs, hold hands, and try to be observant to what each other needs. We find joy together in our laughter and with great compassion allow the tears to fall anytime they need to escape.
Something a sweet friend said to me got my mind thinking about us dedicating Logan and his life. At his birth he was not breathing and he needed to be resuscitated. I remember saying, “Lord, please don’t take him, but if you do help me accept that.” Little did I know that He would be taking Logan home early and God would be right by my side helping me to accept that plan. It was a plea that God knew was to take place thirteen years later. At his dedication we were committing him into the Lord’s hands as His child not ours. There we promised to teach, train, and honor God with his life. Oh, how I hope we have done that in obedience and in our love for God.
I fully accept all that God has planned for my life. Logan’s passing was no different. Obviously I want him here and miss him more than words can describe. But God lovingly guided me through the heart wrenching moments of fully giving Logan over to Him. After the accident an officer called and informed me of what had happened. It took a few minutes to sink in and when it did my heart was instantly heavy with the weight that he was never coming home. I immediately sought the Lord and asked for a different ending. Though I knew deep in my heart His answer was not the same as mine. This does not mean it was easy to give him over. This does not mean my heart is not still broken. It just means I accept God’s will for my life and for my family. I can not see ahead, but I know God can and has a greater purpose in mind for what happens here. This place is not my home and I long to be in my eternal home with my Heavenly Father. All I can say is “Come, Lord Jesus, come.”

love and hugs, Ann