After

Journal entry by Ann— Jan 10, 2018
The Christmas season is over. The new year has begun. We made it through with many tears and heavy hearts. Now it’s January and most think we are in the clear and the difficult days have passed. But I think next week is going to be more difficult than the holidays were. My heart is already weighted down for the dates that will come soon. As soon as it turned to January 1st I felt my emotions kick into high gear.
For the most part, during my life, I have been able to be in control of my emotions, but now that seems almost impossible. I don’t like it, but over the last year I have learned to accept the fact that tears can flood my eyes at any moment. For example. I was going to pick up pizza the other day and the tears freely flowed when I passed the road I always took to take Logan too wrestling. The strange thing about that is you start to cry don’t know why then have to try to figure it out.
I think in the days and years to come it will be more difficult than this last year. Memories of all the things we used to do with him brings warm thoughts, but also sad tears because we won’t get to have him with us again. Then there’s all the new things we will do or new experience we will have and he is missing. It breaks my heart.
I still think he is going to show up and just be sitting in his spot at the table. Where he was always searching on his Kindle for some kind of new weapon or pretending to do school. And I am still surprised when he is not in his seat in the van when we go somewhere. I have almost called his name down the hall to come eat. In those moments the heartbreak of his absence weighs so heavy. How does a person learn to live without their child. We were so blessed to have 13 almost 14 years with him. I know not everyone gets that time, but he was so intertwined in all the moments of our days. There is no way to just stop missing him. In knowing God has him gives comfort, but does not take away the broken heart.
Please pray for an easement of the hole we all feel do deeply. A focusing of our minds on God’s truths. The soothing of his friends hearts who are missing him so much. The family where he had the accident whom we love just like family. We are so blessed to know them so deeply, but they are in great pain too. To help us find peace and comfort in all the moments he is missing. Much love, Ann