BUT…

Journal entry by Ann — Jan 26, 2018
Normally I am a person who likes my time alone. I have been that way since childhood. Most people like some time to themselves, BUT can’t wait to be near others again. As for me being alone in my own house has always been a good thing. Though it has only happened about 10 times in 19 years!
Please don’t get me wrong I find great value in my friendships, BUT time off by myself usually replenishes me. I have always liked the quiet of my own mind. No one talks to me and they don’t need anything from me. Most moms and some dads can relate to this. The needs range from diapers, naps, smooches, food, baths, dressing, refereeing, snuggles, play, and much talking (Either you or them). The needs of a family do not end. In the morning they just start all over again.
Can you hear the BUT coming? BUT now being alone with my own thoughts can be dangerous. I get excited when I think they are all leaving the house and I am brimming with all the possibilities of what can be accomplished. BUT then a nervousness runs through me with the fact that I will be alone. What if I’m not okay? What if I need someone? What if I get hurt and then they have to find me? The want ifs can keep going.
BUT the fear of being in my own thoughts can cause me to panic a bit. I know it sounds strange, BUT alone I have more time to think and less distractions of others.
In Those moments I miss my boy more. I want to talk to him. I want to hear his laugh. I want to watch his eyes light up talking about a weapon. I want to be near him. I want to hear his voice. I just want one of his great hugs. Alone I have too much time to think and there sorrow hits me like a brick wall.
BUT I’ve noticed having others near gives me some kind of security. A comfort of knowing that I’m not alone. A sort of distraction if you will. And if I cry they will get it. No words need to be spoken. We can just be. I find now I want to be around people more, BUT now always be expected to talk. Just the nearness calms my heart.
BUT now if I am alone I need to be extremely busy. Maybe doing the fun things like cleaning closets, dusting things you didn’t know collected dust, or organizing anything. Or maybe scrubbing cupboards, floors, and the walls that you have no idea how they got so dirty. I know those don’t sound super fun, BUT they allow the heart and mind to be distracted.
I am not saying grief doesn’t need to be dealt with, BUT I am saying there are times it’s okay to take a break. Alone time isn’t an enjoyment for me at this time, BUT maybe it can be in the future. Love and hugs Ann