January 19th

Journal entry by Ann — Jan 20, 2018
The days started to feel long and this was only the fourth day. How do people do this for months or even years. I couldn’t bare the thought of seeing Logan like that for as long as he may live. Getting up, showering, listening to worship music, crying, praying, and driving to the hospital became our routine. We had no idea how long this would be our new normal.
So many people came every day to truly bless us by all the love, support, gifts, food, and peoples time. The outpouring of love was completely overwhelming, but in a good way. By this point I am mentally and physically exhausted. And to top it off our foster niece had the flu. Just what we all needed was to be throwing up. Someone who loves me very much kept her at her own home and lovingly took care of my niece. I guess a true friend puts themselves and their family in harms way to help and protect you!!!
Later in the day I noticed that the ER trauma doctor didn’t come back up to Logan’s room. At the time I didn’t think much of it, he must be busy.
The doctors ordered tests to be done to check Logan’s brain activity and check his reflexes. Still more waiting. It was another long day and once again later in the day Scott went home to rest and spend some time with the girls.
No one stayed with me this night. I wanted to be alone with Logan. I wanted to be near him, talking to him, praying over him, and to just have quiet in my own mind. Though after Scott left for the evening I had a meeting with the neurologist and his news was devastating. I saw the scan of Logan’s brain and there was no activity. What should have been a really light greyish coloring was black. I saw Monday’s MRI next to Thursday’s scan and they looked nothing alike. His brain was shutting down it was dying. I was told if he ever woke he would not no what was going on around him and if he did he would probably be afraid. He would never walk or be able to move from the neck down. And since his needs would be so great we wouldn’t be able to care for him at our house. He would never be able to breath on own which leads to infection. The doctor said he may only have a couple years before he would die from infection or pneumonia. The harsh words just kept coming I had to stop the doctor and say, “BUT I still have hope I believe that if it was His plan my God could heal Logan. If it was His will Logan could be whole again and get up out of that bed and be fully restored.” The doctors response to me was, “If your God was going to do that He would have done it by now.” I thought you don’t know my God. As answer rose up inside I started formulating all these arguments about how great and powerful He is and searching my brain for scriptures. Then just as quickly I heard don’t argue with a fool. I calmed down and thanked him for all the info and his honesty in it.
I called Scott and shared they info. I was devastated how could all this really be happening to us. The shock was too much. Though by Tuesday I knew I wasn’t going to get to take my son home I still had hope.
There were visitors waiting to see me and go see Logan how was I to face them. I gave myself a pep talk. You are strong, you can do this, you have no emotions, suck it up Ann. All the confidence I mustered up left as soon as I looked at into the room and at their loving faces. I turned around went around the corner and fought my tears off. Once I regained myself I went in told what I had learned and just felt broken. How could this be?
Everyone left and it was just me. Then it struck me that the ER doctor didn’t come back to see us because he already knew what I had found out that day. Maybe he couldn’t bare to look at us either.
I tried to sleep, but that didn’t come. As I lay there a nurse gave me Logan’s tooth. I think it had fallen out because he was biting so hard on the tubes going down his throat that it bent outward and fell out. If you know me I hate teeth. If it’s loose I don’t want to wiggle it, know it’s loose, see it wiggle, or worst of all ever have to pull it out. But I remember her handing it to me and as I held it tightly in my hand I decided this is the most beautiful tooth that I have ever seen.
So strange the way our minds work.

love and hugs, Ann