January 20th

Journal entry by Ann— Jan 20, 2018
Day five. I waited for Scott and the girls to come back up to the hospital. Another day of the same. Sitting. Waiting. Visiting. Praying. Walking the halls. I still talked to him. I prayed over him. And I massaged his arms, legs, and feet. I still held out hope. I still had faith that God could move if it was His will.
The day before I remember pleading with God to spare my only son. I pointed out that if Logan was healed he would be an awesome testimony to how great our God is. (As if God needs my pointing out of anything) God quickly reminded me that he already was a testimony. God had moved in so many ways in Logan’s life that were easily seen.
Logan spoke God’s word so freely. He had no fear about sharing the Gospel. I often wondered if he prepared what he was going to say. Though I knew Logan’s heart and I’m sure he just said what ever came into his mind and spoke it. As long as it was truth it was coming out and he wasn’t going to stop it. I have always said his filter was broken.
Because of the news I had gotten the day before I began to pray that God would take Logan home. That it would be all Him and not anything we’d have to do like shutting off machines. We didn’t want to make that decision.
We went about our day with heavy hearts.
Later in the day we had a conference call with life source. One of the most difficult conversations one can have. The lady on the phone was kind and she was thoughtful of her words, but they stung. I had been at the hospital about 15 hours at that point and I didn’t want to discuss whether or not to donate my boys body. Though I knew the truth I just wanted to hold on to that hope a little longer. And the conversation with her made it all too real. We were going to have to say goodbye.
Shortly after I left for home with some girls. We snuggled in, talked, and went to bed. I was home now I could cry. You would think my tears would have been like a dried up well and that no more could be made, But that was not the case. They came readily when I allowed them too. Though there were times they leaked without my permission. My heart ached. My body felt weighted down. My mind never shut off. My heart ached for this to be a bad dream.
I longed for sleep, a deep sleep that would alleviate my mind from thinking about what was happening. A time of rest for my body and my mind. Oh how I wished I could get up and give my boy a snuggle and that he would be able to hug me back.

love and hugs, Ann