January 16th

Journal entry by Ann — Jan 16, 2018
This day began as any other. We accomplished school and chores. Laney was working, Bre was getting ready for work, and I was going to Virginia for a visit. Scott and I were playing with Lacey in a mirror, laughing, and snuggling her. As I glanced at the clock now 3:28 I heard my phone ring. I answered it and thought the officer was asking for donations for the sheriffs department. I realized quickly that wasn’t the fact. Did he really say the words Logan and ATV accident? I said wait what happened? He repeated the words along with talk of a helicopter ride and my heart sank. I knew this was bad. I then asked, “Did Logan get up?” He said, “No.” I knew at that very moment he was never getting up. I think God immediately began preparing my heart for the days ahead and that Logan wouldn’t be coming home. I called my friend to ask what happened. Her voice broke and her words wouldn’t come. I told her, “It’s okay you don’t have to say anything I will call with details later.”
The visit was cancelled, Bre stayed home with the girls, and I called Laney at work to say Logan has had an accident and we are on our way to the hospital to find out details. I also said it’s all going to be okay though my heart knew different. After the phone calls, during the drive down, and while walking into the ER I just prayed. Lord, let this not be true, calm my heart, and give me strength. I just kept telling myself control your emotions, be strong, and you can do this. People came to support us and we were brought to a room to wait. A kind gesture of cookies and lemonade was brought to us. In that moment I felt angry like that could ease the pain flooding my heart. A doctor friend went back to Logan’s room to see if she could bring us any news. When she came back her eyes could barely meet ours. It was just more confirmation. It was a place where my heart and head were met with grief. I stood across from her seeing her mouth moving, but not hearing any of her words. Soon after we were able to go back into the ER to see him. My feet were heavy as we walked around the desk. Could this be real? I couldn’t really be here to see MY son. As I entered the room I looked around and none of the staff would look at me. I thought they have no hope for him. I saw his stuff piled on a table. I walked up to his bed and as I looked into his eyes I could see they were different. They were still that same beautiful blue, but they were empty. That spark he had was gone. We left his side and talked to the doctor. With all his experience the trauma surgeon gave us the hard truth. He didn’t think Logan would make it. I wasn’t going to hear what he said I trusted his experience, but I knew my God could change it if it was His will and all that they said wouldn’t matter. We left the room, waited for the MRI to be done, and waited til he was settled in his room upstairs. We waited upstairs in the family room with our loved ones, prayed, and a song was sang. I wanted to cry, but I just couldn’t. After a long evening I went home to be with my girls and try to explain. I gave minimal details because we were going to all meet together the next day with the doctor. I went to bed, but sleep didn’t come. Scott stayed at the hospital with a friend. And I’m sure rest didn’t fall on his eyes either. This was a shocking day and our hearts were heavy. It still all seemed unreal. We knew the God of comfort would lift us up. We knew He had a plan. We hoped His plan was the same as ours, but either way we knew He had us.

Love and hugs, Ann