Places and People

Journal entry by Ann — Feb 14, 2018
The more I learn about grief the more I realize that it is a life long process. It doesn’t go away. There is not an end date. There isn’t a moment you aren’t experiencing it.
My eyes have been opened to a whole new way to live. I was unaware that others were living in an ever present fog and everything they do is difficult. Going anywhere is draining even if it’s a place you enjoy. Sometimes emotions run high at just the thought of being around others. I have come to find out this is because you never know what’s going to affect you or when the tears will come. There is a slight panic in that. It can make you feel anxious even if you are not normally an anxious person.
So many thoughts run through your mind like Can I keep it together? Can I stop the tears WHEN they come? Can I look beyond myself? Can I pay attention? Can I find joy in this? Are others going to be uncomfortable? Will they just avoid me? What is going to trigger me? These thoughts and more are all running through your brain when you are with others or have to be somewhere.
There is not a moment I don’t think about Logan. I used to worry about making others uncomfortable with my sadness or tears, but I don’t anymore. I have come to realize I can’t stop the dust and as for some one else’s feelings I can’t change them.
I enjoy going to church, but even there it can be difficult to maintain. Things people say and do can make you break down and most of the time they are speaking with kindness and love. The Sunday school lesson, the church sermon, and songs can bring on the dust. Music has always been an important part of my life, but now it can break me down in second. Any songs that worship God’s goodness, bring forth Jesus sacrifice, talk of heaven, or mentions my utter dependence on Him can do me in. So I guess that means it all does! In being reminded of His great love for me I am overwhelmed with emotions of thankfulness. I know this sounds so strange, but it is true. Without God I can do nothing.
Continuing on without Logan feels almost unbearable, but I know Jesus has me. He will hold me up. He will help me do what I am supposed to. He will lead me and guide me. When I cant, I know He can.
💜Ann💜