The Same

Journal entry by Ann — Apr 25, 2018
I know I have said before that I will never be the same, but it has become one of those harsh realizations that just keeps stabbing at a corner of my heart. It’s an unpleasant surprise you didn’t expect and no one told you about. As events and circumstances come into my life I am altered and different and I accept that. Though this kind of never being the same is forever different.

Each day is new. The sun will rise and set with no interruptions from me. The earth rotates on its axis, there is no pause in this plan because of my ache. Soon after a tragedy people go back to school, work, and their lives. For some the calls and texts fade. At some undetermined moment people think a good amount of time has passed so you must be over it and are better now. After all you are showing up to events and you can smile so it must be done.

My hope is that people can not go back to living normally or unaffected. My heart wants you to be changed by my son’s tragedy. I do not want you to be the same. I want you to learn something wonderful from this enormous loss I am experiencing. I know this sounds selfish, but it really is not. I want you to love Jesus like my Logie did. God brings people and circumstances into our lives and there is always a purpose in that. I do not believe in chance or coincidences. God is the Orchestrator and Creator of all our days and each moment in it. I want you to be affected. I want you to live like each day is a blessing. I want you to live like my son’s life mattered. I want you to treat others like they are a gift. I want you to value the relationships God has lovingly blessed your life with. Even the difficult relationships are in your life for a purpose, embrace those too. I want you to take something good out of this tragedy and apply it to your life. I want you to deeply love others, invest in their hearts, and above all else share the sacrifice of Jesus dying on the cross for each of us. Let my son’s short life alter yours.

Though He knows my heart and suffering nothing I do can change the plan God has set in motion. Which leaves me wondering……….
Where do I fit in? Where does God want me? Am I considering His will in what I do? What am I to do with this pain to serve others? I know He will lift me up to accomplish His will, But can I do it?

Lord, make us different, make us aware of your presence, and make clear to us the plans you have lovingly lain out for us. Hold us. Change us. Lift us up.
sending Snuggles and Love, Ann