Dusty Days

Journal entry by Ann — May 28, 2018
My heart is heavy this week and the tears that are always just below the surface have shown themselves far to many times these last few days.

I know it is no surprise that I’m saying I miss Logan. But I am REALLY missing him. Everywhere I look there are reminders that he was here and now is not. There are not words to describe the weight of the loss of my son. The ache that never goes away. The longing to hold him that won’t be fulfilled. The pain pulls at all my emotions at once. This loss is devastating. How do I recover from this kind of heart breaks? I think the answer is I don’t recover. I just have to learn how to live without him. Which no part of me wants to do. A new normal I’ve heard it called. I accept God’s sovereign plan, but I don’t like this “new normal.” I wanted Logan here this weekend making us the perfect fires where we would cook out, talk, laugh, and just be together.
Oh, how deeply I miss him.

But then on the other side..

My heart overflows with thankfulness that I am a greatly loved daughter of a King. This thought alone allows my eyes to become dusty. My thoughts have been consumed by how much He has done for me. He picked me up out of the pit, cleansed my thoughts, heart, and life. He set my feet on a path of hope. When I thought no one wanted me and they surely could never love me, He did. Jesus does. He always has. I was just too hard hearted to see it. Don’t let this be you. My rebellious heart battled for too long against the only one who could save me. How foolish I had been to deny Him and turn my back on the Creator of all.

My prayer for those seeking and searching for something or someone to fill that void is that you just look up. Nothing here in our fallen world will fill that hole, ease that ache, or love you like Jesus can. Lean into Him, don’t turn away. Search no more you have as already been found.
Love and hugs, Ann