I Trust You

Journal entry by Ann — Aug 8, 2018
Another concert without my Logie. I raise my guard up and put on my happy face so all will think I am great. My brain thinks that way they can enjoy this day. No worry that mom is sad. No wondering if they can laugh and have fun. Just silent permission to enjoy their time at this event. BUT who am I fooling? They are just as sad as me, Just as heavy hearted, and longing to have him back in our days and at all events.

I saw a mom snuggling her son about Logan’s age and walking hand in hand. They were laughing and enjoying each others company. Shhhhhh… but for just a moment I hated her. Why does she get her son? Why not me? Surely my Logie was worthy of being here too. Then I cried, repented for my mean thoughts, and was happy for her. Though I secretly scolded her in my head saying, “You better appreciate your son and love him with all you got!”

The concert ended with Casting Crowns. He prayed and put a call out for everyone to put their trust in Jesus. As I was listening to him pray I began to get dusty and I whispered over and over again, “Lord, I trust you.” I then repeatedly said, “God, I trust you with my son.” I began to say, Lord, I give you my son.” But as soon as I said that part I immediately took it back.
If I gave Logan over would I forget him?
Did that mean he would no longer be mine?
A fear rose up inside me, I wasn’t ready to say those words.
Was that a door I would be closing that I couldn’t reopen?
Did that mean I had moved on and didn’t miss him?
Would it take away my right to cry or have a broken heart?
I felt this wasn’t the time or place to deal with this. I was in the middle of hundreds of people so I shut it down. I pushed the emotions out of my brain, wiped the tears away, and shoved down the growing lump in my throat. I felt this was a private moment for just God and me to work through. Though now I am afraid to go there, but I trust God will bring it to the surface when His timing is right. All in His perfect time.

No matter where I am in this walk and all the emotions I may be experiencing I know God’s love never fails.
Lord, I trust you with my heart.
Lord, I trust you with my life.
Lord, I trust you with my family. Lord, I trust you with every single need that may arise.
And of course Lord, I trust you with my only son.
Lord, I TRUST YOU. No matter what!
Hugs and love to all, Ann