Remember

There are many things that I remember from that week. The amount of people who came, their generosity, and soooo many hugs. I am grateful for every love and kindness that was poured upon us.

Though I also remember the look on all those faces. The helpless ache in their eyes. The disbelief and sympathy that they couldn’t hide.

I remember the weight of my heart as I looked on my husband and daughters’ faces And wishing for it to not be real. Wishing I could absorb their pain with a enormous hug.

The sickening sterile smell of the hospital. An Odor that pretends it’s clean when we truly know the amount of germs present. The bed where my son lay lifeless. And how his body filled that bed like a grown man. The continuous sound of the machine breathing for my boy that I still can’t get out of my head. That sound can still break me down in just seconds.

I will always remember the entire staff. They were overflowing with kindness and care. Their smiles trying desperately to soothe our devastation.

The comfort of being at the hospital on that floor just cause I was near Logan. Sitting in his room glad to be near him, but also wanting to get out with the deep longing for it to be a bad dream.

Today any smells, sounds, or glimpses of those things that I experienced bring me right back to those days in the hospital. My reaction is uncontrolled and sudden. A panic runs through my body and my heart is grieved with an indescribable pain. Things I thought I had dealt with rush back and flood into every ounce of my being.

I think the years to come will be harder than the months after the accident. Those were days of numb thinking. It took many months for the depth of it all to sink in. Now the memories charge me with surprise attacks. My emotions are fierce and sudden. Some days I am present and others I am just going through the motions. Some days I have no tears, but most days I am fighting them off. A battle a rarely win.

Please continue to pray we are still in this. It is not over. We are not through it. We are still trying to learn to live without Logan. And we are greatly missing him daily.

Love and hugs, Ann