Consumed

Journal entry by Ann Rautio — July 13, 2019

Some days I am just grateful to get in bed just so I don’t have to think. Longing to shut off the voices of grief and dull my hearts ache. Finally, getting to shut down my brain for the day is a welcomed thought. But what greets me is a restless night with constant tossing and turning. Too many strange dreams to rest well. My mind won’t shut down no matter how much I will it to silence.

I wonder if it’s normal for grief to taint everything… it is ALL consuming. It takes over every day, conversations, and every joyous events. It is a battle to focus and concentrate on the daily routines of life.

Each day is unpredictable. There are surprises around each corner with many unwanted triggers intruding into my mind quickly pushing my brain to its full capacity.

In reading grief materials and talking to others who have suffered a great loss, I have realized all this is “normal” though it is not the normal I wanted to live.

When this kind of trauma is forced upon you, you have no choice but to walk through it. Though how others treat you and respond to your grief makes a huge difference in the healing process.

Please be kind and show love to each other. Everyone is hurting in some capacity. Please don’t tell them “life goes on” yes, they are right is does go on but every piece of you is affected and different and some things are frozen in time. I now know I will never be the same Ann that I used to be. Accepting this is an enormous battle.

It doesn’t matter if it’s been one year or twenty that person who was intertwined in all the moments of your life is gone and you never stop missing them. This kind of pain is life long.

Remember your words can hurt even when a person has good intentions. Be patient, show compassion, and try to support others in their pain. Love others like Christ loves you.

Hugs And love, Ann