days…

The fog that engulfed me in the days, weeks, and months after the accident has left  carved out tiny places where my head may have cleared. Though it is still hard to connect, focus, and fit in the fog has lifted just a bit. Now lingers a cloud hanging over my head where I am left with a deep sadness that seeps into my broken heart.

The ache is not gone. The sorrow has not passed. The triggers have not faded. The deep pain the saturates every ounce of my body has not left me. The longing is still there. The tears still flow. The fear of losing more of my family has not subsided. The ambush of grief still happens. The disbelief still clings to corners of my mind. The mental exhaustion lingers daily. The motivation that lacks getting things done wears on me. Fatigue hangs over me like a wisp of air that can’t be blown away. Sleep is always hard to come by. The flashbacks to that week haunt my mind. The feelings of just going through the motions and hating it. The heart break that leaves me feeling empty. Tired of stuffing down emotion and pretending I’m okay when I’m not. The frustration in not enjoying the things that I used to. This list could go on and on. Those who have had a great loss know this all to well and long for it to be different also.

There has to more to it than this. The purpose of my pain has to be greater than where I’m at. People keep telling me, “God is going to use you” or “God is using you in this” BUT I don’t see it or feel it. I feel stuck, frozen in my grief. I know He has a plan for all of us and that every single thing we experience has a purpose. What’s my purpose?!?! Maybe I am just too blinded by my pain to see it clearly. I am impatient with this process and want to feel relief from this all consuming pain and sorrow. God has me here so what am I supposed to do with it? I know these are all questions that only He can answer.

He is my God. He is my source of strength. He is my comforter. He is my Heavenly Father. He is the Creator of all. He is love. He is capable to deal with me in all my mess. He is trustworthy. I will wait and trust He has in mind what’s best for me.

Pray for these doors to easily open.

Love and hugs, Ann