Cards

Journal entry by Ann — Dec 12, 2018
I did it! I made a Christmas card. The last card I made was just a little over a month before Logan’s accident. I have made a card every Christmas for the last 20 years except in 2017. I couldn’t bring myself to put a card together without Logan in it.

Last night I sat down at the computer staring at the screen, while I was trying to prepare my heart for the card I was about to create. With no one else in the house this was the perfect opportunity. I was there for three hours finding just the right card, scouring through pictures, and changing my mind too many times to count. I had no idea how hard it would be. My chest was crushed with the weight of losing my boy. My heart felt shattered into shards of glass slicing into my flesh with every breath that I took. Anger rose up in me and I wanted to scream this isn’t fair, I want my boy. Tears streamed down my face faster than I could wipe them. Yet, I continued. I cried. I pushed through the pain.

Oh, how deeply I miss him. It was so great to see his face in all those pictures. And it brought joy and sorrow when I got to listen to his laugh and hear his voice on the videos. So why was I doing this? Why was I putting myself through this heartache? Because he was here. He existed. He filled our days with joy. I carried him, birthed him, and nursed him. I was all in everytime for the many medical events. He was borrowed to me. He was chosen for me and I was chosen for him. I snuggled him ALOT. I spent much time investing into his heart. I AM his mom. He was mine.

I am never going to stop talking about him. I am never going to not include in some way when I do something. That’s why I am never without his knife in my pocket. He will always be a part of me and my life. So when you see my card just know all of me was poured into the Christmas greeting. It is more than just a card to me.

The Bible says God has all your tears in a jar and not one escapes without His noticing. Yesterday, I think He had to get another jar to replace the one I filled to overflowing. Thank you, Lord, for loving me in the midst of my mess, and for gathering my tears with your precious hands, for I know not one of them is wasted.

Merry Christmas, may the love of Christ spill over into your house, onto others, and fill your days. Hugs and love, Ann