Behavior…

Journal entry by Ann— Nov 13, 2018
I was thinking about the different responses we can have when trauma strikes. Looking back, I wonder when the call came, did I behave “properly.”
I didn’t cry. I didn’t lose my temper. I didn’t faint, fall to my knees, or yell out. I didn’t shout at God in anger. I didn’t blame anyone. I didn’t have that scream in the pillow moment. I didn’t fall to my face and have uncontrolled wailing. I didn’t smash or break things. I didn’t curl up in a ball and zone out. I didn’t stay in bed unable to leave it.
All of the above responses are perfectly normal, but if you know me I will try to control those things in me. My brain immediately tells my heart to calm down, keep it together, and be strong for everyone.
BUT…
I did call out to God. I did ask for His help. I did remain calm. I did joke to ease my own tension and distract myself from what was going on inside. I did tell funny Logan stories. I did get up and pushed myself to do what was necessary on that day. I did the normal “Ann thing” and pepped talked myself. Saying you can do this you are stronger than you think. God is for me and He has as plan. Just suck it up, Ann.
BUT…
Is it too late to do those things in the first paragraph? Sometimes I feel like I want to throw myself on the floor and wail. I want to grab that pillow and scream into it until sounds can no longer escape my mouth. I may want to yell at no one in particular of course, just yell.
Could I curl up in that ball and let my body becomes sore from the wracking sobs it would endure? Could I stay in bed and not take care of myself, anyone else, or anything? The answer for me is no… to let myself go in those ways I’m quite sure my brain wouldn’t allow it. But, sometimes I wish I could. To be free to feel everything, to completely let go, and to let myself be that mess that I really feel inside?Sometimes I think it’s easier to just feel angry then the full weight of what has been lost feels lighter. The hard part is there is no one to be angry at and when anger has no object or person it is just left pent up with no where to go. Then what happens for me is silence. I close up and pull away.
I’m sure it’s not too late to respond in some of the above ways. Many of those are healthy responses to grief and great ways to release the tensions and emotion. Though I think I’m afraid to let go in any of those ways for fear I wouldn’t come back. I am still broken. I am still shattered. I am still in pain. I am still picking up the pieces. I still can’t bare the weight of losing my boy. I am still pretending to hold it together.
I am still grieving. WE are still in it and our hearts are still heavy with a loss that is not replaceable.
Love and hugs, Ann