Absence

Journal entry by Ann — Jan 6, 2019
Starting the beginning of November I begin to feel a bit anxious and overwhelmed for the days ahead like the holidays, the accident day in January, and February being his birthday. My heart begins to feel heavy and my brain is easily over done and very distracted. I am deeply missing my boy and trying to hide the pain. It is mentally and physically exhausting trying to still work through the process of grief.

Heavy thoughts of being here without him sometimes make it hard to breathe. The absence of Scotts continual companion leaves a gaping hole in his daily activities. To watch this lays a sadness on my heart that can’t be put into words. He has the girls and they are so special to him, but there’s no Logie to enjoy those boy things with. Then the torture on this mama’s heart watching my girls walk through the loss of their brother, friend, and protector. I am hoping with time they will experience some type of healing and find that joy can once again fill their days.

Now the holidays have come and gone and I feel relieved they are behind me. This makes my heart ache and I feel bad about that because it really is about celebrating my Saviors birth, but my heart gets weighed down with Logan’s absence. I know he is in heaven and celebrating with the Lord himself, but part of me feels a bit selfish. No, I really wouldn’t want Logan to leave heaven just to be with me. And I know he wouldn’t want to come back especially after what he has been experiencing in the presence of God.

Simple things I took for granted before like putting up the tree, decorating, the food he enjoyed, and the enthusiasm he brought to our days have forever engraved a bruise on my heart. Looking at his stocking hanging in the middle of his sister’s and knowing that it wont be filled, opened, or enjoyed is painful. I can’t explain why but, this year the holidays were harder for me than last year. Maybe last year I was still in shock and this year the reality of the loss has had more time to set in. Whatever the reason I really struggled. My pretend happy face was on, but my heart was fractured. I want to dive back into life and not just go through the motions. I’m just having a hard time getting there.
Much love and many hugs, Ann