Jesus

Journal entry by Ann — Feb 13, 2019
I used to always say my childhood was play and I had to learn to become a good actress to survive it. I had to pretend that it was all okay and that there were no secrets and nothing to hide. I can say I had a lot of training. I designed a shell of protection around myself that no one could crack. If you got to know anything about me it was because I let you in there were no fractures in my armor. The dysfunction in my house was far from okay, but it became my normal. As a child I had perfected those protections and was forced to bare those qualities. But now as an adult I have now come to resent them.

I was always worried if the wall was broken down the flood would come and how would I ever build it back up in time to keep it all from flooding out. I had to guard my heart and keep others out. My thoughts were I can’t get hurt if I don’t let anyone in. Could I pick up all the pieces and put them back together? I know after trauma the pieces never quite fit right and things are forever changed. I guess that’s what is supposed to be and that with the changes I would glorify God in turn making me a better person prepared to serve Him.

So many people say to me don’t put on that mask or don’t pretend that your okay when your not. I’m not sure you are all ready for that kind of full openness. If I am overwhelmed by my own thoughts, feelings and pain then how could others handle it? I am an open book kind of person and would pretty much tell you what ever you wanted to know about me and my life, but the thought of others in the deepest part of my heart feels far too heavy. Though on the other side of it I would sacrifice myself if it would help you. I know, I’m far too complicated! But life is complicated when we think we have it all figured out it changes.
Which sets in my mind even deeper the need for our Creator. How can we navigate this world? How can we make wise choices? Who will be our knowledgeable guide? Who knows us inside and out? Who cares for us with an unwavering love? The only one answer is Jesus. I can do nothing with out Him.
Love and hugs, Ann